Maybe it’s more like 8.
Though maybe it wouldn’t happen at all.
I just think that it would be necessary to warn you before deciding to upgrade my status to ‘friend’.
What if it happens? You actually don’t even have to answer any one of them if you aren’t available. Hopefully we have connected already on a secure messenger and I have yet to find a reason to ring someone instead of messaging. Yes, if I were ringing you via a landline it’s probably another story.
Seriously, even if it was me trying to find a kidney donor (I’d probably opt to just live out my last days), you don’t have to pick up. I don’t require my friends to be on 24/7. Even if it takes them 1 week or 2 years to respond to a message, I’d still be okay.
Before you think I’m on a rabbit-hole of catastrophising the future…it actually happened.
One of my regrets is cancelling a visit to spend time at a friend’s apartment. This involved a long drive (as in more than 10 hours). So, being the planner that I am, I made sure to ask the person I’m visiting how the parking was (ample off-street), how much extra pillows I need, or if it’s okay to bring a spare mattress (I had a thin one that was just enough to fold or roll that could be taken places which has a sturdy floor — — I have a picky back). I felt that was the event that changed everything between us. You know those stories when one friend tells the other that everything’s okay? I’ll give you a bit of a spoiler alert: our friendship does not end happily ever after.
Let’s call her ‘The Vocalist’.
What has been happening in the past few months is that I’ve been taking stock of my connections. It also helped that I was reading a light comedy, and the writer was giving the reader a glimpse of the inner thoughts of one of the characters. We’ve all experienced saying something but meaning another thing. Sometimes that is because we’re scared of facing the truth. It could also simply be that we fear the reaction of the other person. And ‘gut feel’ is asking me to revisit. To ask The Vocalist what really changed. If she answers in the same way (“I’m fine, it’s fine. Nothing to talk about. Life happens.”), then I can take that off my ‘to-do’ list. Easy!
At 4:22 PM, I rang the number I had and there was an automated message telling me that her number wasn’t connected anymore. It kind of made sense as I had not made an attempt to reach out for two years. No big deal. I searched through my contacts and found the number of her older sister. I punched in her number at 4:24 PM. No joy as she was on the phone. I didn’t leave a voicemail. There wasn’t feeling of any worry that the sister would be weirded out that I was saying hello. I guess we had the kind of connection that we sort of knew each other and had a bit of an overlap in terms of art appreciation. My notes tell me that the last time we spoke was 9 years ago when I was splitting my drive over from the airport. I feel like I missed updating my notes as I knew she has a son (which could explain why I haven’t really found a reason to say hello: That her hands were full.).
My next port of call was the husband. It’s 4:32 when I rang him and it just rang and rang…until eventually it went to voicemail. It was nice to know that he was the kind of person that allowed some breathing room (for him and the person who was trying to reach him) before a call went over to voicemail. This time I left a message: that I was hoping to get the number of The Vocalist and mentioned I rang his wife but she was on the phone. I added that I’ll be ringing her again.
Why am I so easily able to ring the husband? Well, I’m not sure of the number of gigs we did together (very few), but the most notable connection is he wanted to borrow a snare for their recording. The snare (which the band’s drummer requested) was my main one (a thin and really cutting maple piccolo), and based on the kind of music they were doing (grungy rock), I recommended my other snare which had more volume and could aggressively cut through lots of distortion. I think I even played a clip of Chad Smith with his snare to illustrate the kind of sound it was capable of (mine has inner plys of unknown wood and and an outer ply of stainless steel and if I’m not mistaken Chad’s snare was just stainless steel).
Rather than ring back his wife, I opted to ring the other sister at 4:45 PM. Sister #2 picked up but it sounded like the connection was bad so rather than repeat myself, I just mentioned that I’ll ring back. But before doing that, I instead rang Sister #1, but she was on the phone still! All cool. I left a voicemail saying that I was hoping to grab the number of The Vocalist and hopefully her handle in a secure messenger so we could catch up. I left my number just in case she doesn’t have mine anymore. By 5 PM I received an SMS with the new number of The Vocalist and Sister #1 confirming that indeed she has her hands full (I think I sort of mentioned that in the voicemail? That I’ll make it quick as I know she’s busy?).
So I rang at 5:08 PM via the landline (what could I say, it was a bundle!). Her phone rang a couple of times and it went to voicemail. I left a message saying that I was hoping to grab her Wickr Me handle, so I could catch up there.
5:16 PM — The SMS bundle has been sent: an echo of my earlier voicemail. I also explained that my first call was from the landline. That I was using it and just turning to my mobile when needed as there was a significant time I wasn’t using it and was just paying my plan (sometimes it isn’t worth it getting that complimentary phone anymore!). I apologised that I had not been a better friend and didn’t attempt to reach out in the past two years.
I am the sort of person who’ll separate a message chunk into little chunks. Which would make what I’m trying to say come across as informal and conversational. Apparently, there’s this thing that’s going on with messaging (via SMS or other platforms) that lean more towards larger chunks. I did wonder if that was because if it was more a chat style similar to what you’s see if you took at peek at the kind of messages you’ve sent to your bestie. I’m guessing that this would be due to wanting to say something without interruption.
7:03 PM — Sent Instagram DMs. I was hit with the idea that I might be able to find The Vocalist, and I did! It’s still a less secure platform, but heaps better than plain ‘ole SMS. I can ask more detailed questions and share more things. I also mentioned that I couldn’t follow her, just in case nefarious people attempt to get to me through her. I even added a playful note that I was tempted to test out how Instagram video calls would fare but I had weird hair which has not been trimmed since the pandemic started. I asked if there was something that caused her to pull away, or if I did something. I sent her a link to two essays that I felt were relevant to the conversation.
8:18 PM, 9:57 PM. 11:13 PM, 12:04 AM — I wanted to reach her to make sure that she saw my Instagram messages. You know it, right? Making sure that the recipient checks which inbox the messages ended up in. Her phone rang a couple of times it then went to voicemail. Didn’t leave a message.
12:52 AM, 1 AM, 1:47 AM — Instead of it ringing and going onto voicemail, her phone instantly went with the greeting saying that she’s on the phone. Aha! My theory that she was at a gig had legs! This would be the typical time that pack up would happen. If you are a regular event attendee, you might gesture towards your screen and say that sometimes it is much later than that. I will not dispute you, as there are performances that do run even until 3 AM.
(I was also having issues with my call log at 12:52 AM, and the phone’s OS wasn’t cooperating, so I’d get a frozen screen and that call wouldn’t be added to my call log. There were three in total.)
Apparently, it did seem easy. Until the next day. When I’d receive a good slap on the face (or maybe more ‘punch in the gut’) after realising what I was reading. Turns out The Vocalist didn’t have a packed day of rehearsing then performing. She actually was indoors and unwell. The SMS I received asked me to not contact her again. I was of course shocked. Then wondered if I misinterpreted the depth of our connection (I mean, I was there at her recital along with members of her family!) and the hours we spent together.
12:05 PM — Straight to voicemail with the greeting saying that she’s on the phone. Didn’t leave a message.
12:49 PM — Received an SMS from her (this was one whole chunk, very formal) saying that she is unable to contact me as she is currently unwell. I got a bit of a lecture how a voicemail and an SMS was enough, asking me not to contact her again. Sadly, she assumed that my later calls were in relation to the voicemail I left and SMS. There was no response to my Instagram DMs. Which were expected as the ‘read’ status hasn’t popped up.
10:40 PM — I did not expect to be sending a response to her. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that this was the same person. Then after about 10 hours of feeling gut-punched and betrayed, I decided to close it out by clearing up the reason for the latter calls: I wanted to speak to her so she could check if my Instagram DMs came through. Of course there was also the reflex of blocking her on Instagram (after I deleted my messages) as soon as I received her response. But if I did that, there wouldn’t be a way to clarify the reason I was ringing her after those two initial calls.
Given that I’d expect that it would take me a while to get my bearings after a blow like this, I was quite surprised how I was able to reply decently and level headed. I didn’t express my shock. I just told her that she was right. Rather than sending her a bunch of messages via SMS that I left her DMs via Instagram, I indulged my ‘Fixer Self’ and wanted to make sure that those messages came through. That I wrongly assumed that she was at rehearsal, then later headed to a gig. I confirmed that it was my fault for not asking Sister #1 if it would be a good time to catch her. If I did, Sister #1 would probably have told me that The Vocalist was unwell and indoors.
I’m trying to recall the last time I begged someone to reconsider my friendship. It isn’t likely that I’ll be doing that, because words matter to me. Particularly hurtful words like this. Taking into account that she didn’t even make an effort to attempt to find out what was happening to me. I really think I mischaracterised the friendship. Based on her response, it was a casual one that seemed had depth.
As a result of my falling out with The Vocalist, I decided to let The Mother know. Our bond (I actually have a note that says: “Go to where she is.”) wasn’t like with The Vocalist, but she was a common connection. This also allowed me to decide whether I should rethink keeping in touch (as I had solely been the one keeping our friendship afloat all these years). I was a sibling parent, while she was a mother. Even if I wasn’t solely responsible for raising my siblings, there’s generally an understanding between two people who have both experienced keeping humans alive through the terrible twos, as energetic toddlers, and hair-tearing adolescence.
It started well (she asked me if I was okay after I sent her a copy of the message from The Vocalist), and I felt comforted. But it fell into a heap when I started giving a bit of context. I mistakenly thought that it would help The Mother empathise more towards The Vocalist and how she reacted to me. Instead I ended up feeling shamed for my actions as The Mother somehow missed me noting that 1–2 AM is typical ‘pack up’ time for gigs. It even gets worse! I shared with The Mother that based on that experience, I have learned that I would like a friend who wouldn’t have an issue with me ringing a number of times.
Her reaction? She totally lost the context and started talking about how 1 AM was too late to ring. Of course! I agree! The issue? We’re not talking about her here! Because to someone like The Vocalist who performs live, it wouldn’t be to far fetched to catch live performers taking a breather a bit after midnight. Especially if their set just finished. Based on the history of our friendship, I would have expected The Mother to say something like: “That is an odd reaction by The Vocalist. She should have known that you wouldn’t be ringing if it wasn’t important. It probably triggered something in her past that she would assume those calls were for the SMS and your voicemail and not to check if your messages on Instagram came through.”. Instead she went on about me possibly ringing her at that time.
I knew that was it. We weren’t hearing each other anymore. The friendship really should have been over (or maybe I could have held back and not really opened up as to not risk the chance of her reacting like this…as I knew she wasn’t the type of person who had a similar wavelength to me. Most of the time, I had to go where she was. So yes, in a way, I was very careful on what I opened to her about).
A mix of anger and hurt still swirl every now and then. I’m still on the fence whether to block The Vocalist on Instagram and completely accept everything that’s happened. No more forgiveness.
The problem with that is I have been on the side of The Vocalist. I had reacted over the top and realised that I should not have done that. If communication was still open, I would have apologised for letting my fiery self take over and lash out. It felt great at that moment, but I definitely paid for it later.
This is all just a reminder to make sure that you take the time to clarify what is happening. You never know what is behind those calls. But if you believe that the friendship isn’t worth it, I will personally encourage you to move on. Because sometimes even clarification is difficult to achieve when neither side is able to listen to the other.
For a boatload of quotes (and some of my thoughts) about friendships, you can dive in here.
PS: What were the difficult questions you needed to bring up in the course of your friendships? Were there things you would have liked friends to know about you right from the start?
Drop me a line here or comment below! :)
