(Updated: 07 January 2024)
Whenever I’m asked if I’m open to be fixed up, I usually ask about the person they are trying to set me up with. Sometimes I am asked instead about the specific things I’m looking for in the person I’m hoping to spend the rest of my life with.
Finally, I’ve nudged myself to put something together.
I did consider just abandoning this post until I’m wearing the wedding ring that Burrito Expert has put on my finger. Maybe wait until she and I had been married for at least five years. Maybe I’ll end up writing a new essay titled: ‘I Didn’t Find A Soulful Extrovert And That’s Okay’. It’s been less than a year since she and I crossed paths and I am blown away of how much of a difference being intentional in what I am looking for.
Yes, Burrito Expert isn’t who I initially envisioned My Exception would be. I think that’s what partnership is: You both are kind of focused on getting to know the person and making sure that the connection between each other isn’t hampered by the person I could see she could be in the future. She mentioned that she is sometimes worried that I’m actually in love with Future Her rather than Current Her. I made sure to mention that I am in love with both versions of her. Kind of a way to make sure that our connection is even stronger after 10 years of marriage.
I guess this piece now serves as a reference for me and My Person. It also is going to be helpful with allowing Future Friends to get to know me in a deeper way. The depth of connection would likely happening in increments, but it’s a start. I do believe in taking the first step in opening up, and if the person doesn’t take a similar step, then I have my answer: the connection is probably not the right one or I need to give my new friend some space to decide if they would want to deepen their connection with me.
#1 — ‘Enough Said’ and ‘Saving Face’ are essential viewing
I can give you a list of films that would make it easier for you to get to know me. But in terms of relationships, I feel like these two films (both masterpieces in their own way) are good ways to start discussion about compatibility. The film with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and James Gandolfini is about more of a slow burn romance, while the one between the two women would be more of a ‘soul pull’. Eva had a bit of doubt whether there was something between them (or at least what she felt towards Albert), but as they got to know each other the attraction towards him increased.
Of course it would be great to have that instant Soul Pull. The strongest I’ve experienced it is in public. I was crossing the street and found myself stopped staring at this guy. He also was staring at me. We’re just surprised at what was happening. So surprised that after uttering a ‘Good Morning’ each, we turned back just for a moment but went on our way. I definitely regret not at least asking: ‘Did you feel that too?’ or maybe something inane such as ‘Have you seen Children Of Men?’. I knew it was a ‘soul pull’ because I couldn’t remember how he looked like. Instead I remembered what it FELT like. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to identify him if he was walking towards me. The only way I’d know for sure if it happened again and we walked past each other (not sure of the rules though…How far should we be from each other to ‘feel’ it?) and he might clarify if the sort of thing has happened to him before.
Now that I am aware of the possible (actual?) existence of My Exception, I now wonder if it was actually a woman who I was pulled towards but somehow just thought (assumed?) that it was a man. If only I could get an instant replay of that memory (maybe using the perspectives of other people who were walking by too?). Would I notice My Exception pausing but then going on her way because I didn’t realise it was her?
Easy answer: No, My Exception wasn’t there. Because Burrito Expert wasn’t at that location during that day. But I get that maybe there might a woman there who might have the possibility of connecting with me as a friend. Why do all Soul Pulls have to be about finding our future spouses? Why not future friendships?
#2 — I’m naturally an Alpha
The title of this post initially was going to contain the phrase ‘Alpha seeks Beta’. I was reminded that either term could be detrimental to the person being branded it. Alphas are seen as inflexible and Betas are looked upon as passive. Looking at those stereotypes and applying it to Wilhelmina Pang and Vivian Shing, it seems like Wil is the Beta and Vivian is the Alpha. A closer look actually reveals that it’s more of (like anything having to do with humans) a spectrum. Wil is actually quite headstrong. That falling exercise that many viewers see as Wil panicking now comes across as her rebelling against what this new person in her life wants to happen.
Vivian is into agency. So, she doesn’t have any issue making sure that she communicates her interest clearly. From popping up at the same vending machine Wil uses to leaving an invitation to one of her modern dance performances. She doesn’t offer or dictate where their first date should be but instead leaves it in the hands of Wil. At some point, Vivian makes a strong request for Wil to be there at a specific time so she can meet Vivian’s friends. Even then, there isn’t really an instance in ‘Saving Face’ where Wil is given an ultimatum (which happens in a number of toxic relationships). The clarity of what Vivian expects in a relationship is right there. So there isn’t a frustrating argument (where each side is clinging to their egos) when it happens (I know…spoiler! But it’s a Romantic Comedy…so…you know it’s part of the formula). Even Vivian asking to meet Hwei-Lan (Wil’s mother) is done in a playful way.
How does being an Alpha manifest itself in my life? One thing that stands out is my tendency to interpret certain questions (depending how they are phrased and the person asking) as a challenge. A less evolved version of me would be ‘challenging’ back. I’d like to say I have perfected this. The good news is, if I felt I was asked to ‘prove myself’, I would likely step back as I have learned that it is not worth the energy to prove myself to someone who thinks I am not enough. I am sure a number of individuals have just wondered how the conversation spiralled in that way and I had decided to end contact.
Is there a particular strategy you can employ when this happens? When you ask something that I would interpret as a challenge, but you’re actually doing it in an earnest way…and just wanting to get to know me? I would hope that by that point you would understand this about me and realise what is happening before my Fiery Self starts building walls and I stop seeing you as a viable option as a person who I could see spending the rest of my life with.
A big bonus would be if you ever needed me to take over a dinner party, I can easy step in. Did you have to leave a mixer for networking, and I was a guest? I would likely stay and possibly snag a handful of contacts…maybe even a prospect of a new friend!
Being headstrong and relentless can be wielded in a negative way or a positive one. My hope is that I continually lean towards how I can build others up as I learn more about myself. If your mere presence allows me to be closer to the best version of myself, then I think…you’re likely going to be the top choice. But then again, we already might be married.
#3 — Kindness is the quickest way to my heart
The easiest way for me to reconsider the connection we’re building is to try to overpower me in any way. Consent is tricky because it sometimes feeds on ego. That if we take the necessary steps to ensure the other person is comfortable, that it lowers our own worth. If anything, making sure all the necessary boxes are checked increases our worth in the eyes of the person we’re getting to know. If the person looking to implement it in every aspect of his life is quite keen…then it becomes just a normal as breathing.
The trick I learned when I get frustrated about something is to share what’s going on in my brain.
[Quote Start]
Dismissive Me: Run! Burrito Expert would just find someone that is better suited to her. It’s just a matter of time that she decides that you’re just too broken to spend forever with.
Emphatic Me: This is a really good time to be building a life with someone. They could see you as impervious and all sparkly. We think that’s what we should be, but one day that falls away and that armour you both have been using is going to eventually have to be taken off or it breaks. Think of those people who you have gravitated towards. Don’t you get turned off by people who try to wear a mask. Fake smiles eventually get found out. Authenticity is what connects us. Just remember that even if you have all the things you ever wanted and managed to find Burrito Expert, one day you still have to manage a crisis. Wouldn’t it be much better to find out how you and her are able to get through a tough time? That you’re both able to show your squishy insides now rather than later? Doesn’t that foster stronger connection?
[Quote End]
It’s quite difficult to build a life with someone when there’s so much to untangle because of what society has thrusted upon us. There’s that additional layer as a woman. What I found really helpful is when I’m wanting to run or one of my fears is showing up, that she is there to assure me that I am who she wants.
It’s a bit scary because one of those fears is one day her going: “Nah, I’m tired reassuring you.”
One of the most useful things I’ve learned as she and I continue building the friendship that is going to be this foundation for our marriage, is that encouraging each other when there’s a wobble just builds on the connection between us. Previously, I would have thought that someone who needed reassuring for the same thing more than once needs to do their own work. But not needing reassurance every now and then is likely a sign that my teammate is holding back.
Another revelation: Sharing my fear and learning about her fears has brought us closer. Because she and I aren’t perfect, our fears sometimes get the best of us. Thankfully for me, I haven’t run yet. There was one time early on when I asked her if it would be okay for us to go our separate ways and in response she asked if it would be possible to give it another go. To see if we can work on it. I feel in a way, that was probably my answer that she was likely the person I’ve been waiting for. Yes, it took more work to keep building that connection and understanding how she and I communicate, but now I just let her know what I’m feeling. When I feel the need to run. The urge to Self-Sabotage or just find ways to push her away.
Kindness is as simple as giving her space to feel what she needs to feel. Like I need space to feel sad or upset. Maybe grumpy at times. It’s reminding each other that wanting to get things right all the time actually hinders our connection. Because when we aim to be impervious, we miss showing all the workings inside to the person who wants to know us the most.
(Pro Tip: You only have to appeal to my emphatic side. Though…you might get extra points if you attempt to appeal to both!)
What I recently learned was each personality trait has a Shadow Side. That someone who is kind might not be looking into their Self Care. To ensure that there’s balance of both sides, I know I have to bring it up. Now I’m wondering what is the unhealthy side of being kind. Oh! It’s anger, isn’t it? Maybe not exactly that? Maybe dismissiveness?
#4 — If [Name Redacted] relentlessly pursued me, I might have said ‘yes’.
The reason I didn’t mention her name is, it might seem like I’m trying to ‘out her’. Though it is likely that she doesn’t mind and is actually similar to me (a woman who is also unlabelled and refused to consider a man unless enough men are calling for lasting change in society to make the world safer for women). I found her Instagram feed while doing research for the Q&A and kept returning to her feed. I discovered that we have an overlap of our humour blueprints. I think what really made me pay attention is her humility (namely, there is a lack of arrogance anywhere even as an interviewee in print or audio).
I’ve changed the heading of this section because I already found My Person. I’ve told Burrito Expert a number of times that as far as I’m concerned she and I are already married. What we’re going through right now is the prep period. That she and I have been given a chance to travel back in time to make sure our marriage and connection is as resilient as it could be to face a lifetime together. So, if there’s an alternate timeline where Burrito Expert somehow has chosen to pick someone else, then maybe that timeline may have me looking at the possibility of building a friendship with [Name Redacted] and seeing if we can build a foundation as Life Partners.
Part of me is worried when Burrito Expert reads this, because I don’t want to communicate that I felt like not knowing how things would have gone with [Name Redacted] is distracting me from the current time. That there’s some sort of yearning to be with someone else who I currently see as My Future Wife.
When Rove McManus used to do his talk show, he’d typically ask his guests the question: ‘Who would you go gay for?’ Best answer of course went to Kevin Rudd when he named Thérèse Rein (who was — — and still is! — — his wife). I do have the belief that everyone does sit on a spectrum in terms of attraction. So thanks to ‘Saving Face’ (though it might be me attempting to write a spec for the sequel), I did find myself wondering if it was possible for me. There was a time when I thought it probably isn’t, because apparently, I do give out ‘straight’ vibes. But if there was a woman who might get me to at least spend a bit of time getting to know her and consider that I might not end up married to a man, it could be the version of her who sees the compatibility and wouldn’t hesitate to find a way to pass the message.
The two indicators that made me take note was how relaxed [Name Redacted] was at home (she’s an illustrator and has a number of comics giving glimpses on how she lives: a practical dresser — — at least at home). She’s probably one of the people who could understand my looking to get ahead of my ‘clutter problem’ as her living space also tends to get cluttery too. The other reason I paid attention was she was fit. As in ‘wall climbing’ fit. I value healthy living, and when I came across that photo of her tackling a wall, my brain was like: ‘whoa!’. Totally unexpected based on previous posts (which consisted of her relishing grabbing naps around various areas in her home).
Reasons it wouldn’t work out? She likes to get dressed up and go out. Another is that she’s a big travel nut. This is probably why it’ll have to be her going: ‘Yes, Leigh, I am interested. I think there is an alignment of values there. How about we see how we go…and…you’re pretty much okay with travelling right? I mean…we don’t have to go together all the time. You can just come along on short trips. At most a week…no plane rides.’ I mean…there’s also the fact that she’s in California…and I’m not a fan of how US customs treats visitors (plus the risk of being harassed by a toxic cop).
It’s funny how things kind of pan out differently. I think what’s important for me is that I had an idea of who I was looking for. Specifically the kind of person who I would likely be compatible with in terms of who I was. That there was a connection based on who we are inside. Burrito Expert actually is very neat, but she isn’t put off by my tendency to accumulate clutter. I think her view about how it’s about looking for a way to work things out balances out my view of the necessity of being compatible. That there’s that kindness again. Yes, she is tough on herself and is in the process of extending kindness not just to others.
I think it comes down to my having a soft spot if I was fussed over by someone who I am deeply connected with? I’ve told her that she can chase me around with a steam cleaner if she wants. If it were anyone else who hasn’t gotten past the necessary vulnerability, I’d be really annoyed.
I’m guessing that this specific (newish?) point of view is the result of me looking into a person’s personality and values more, then considering all the rest of the aspects (like gender presentation and identity) of the person. Of course it would be easy (definitely easier for me as I’d probably have to expend less mental energy) to just say: Men are for marriage and women are for friendship. I know I’ve said that the chances of that happening is probably 2% at the moment, that I would miss out in learning how to be respectful of those who see themselves ending up with one. It is important for me to learn not to unknowingly lead a Woman Loving Woman (WLM) on if I would ever be open to be friends.
Why 2%? I had brought this up previously to Destiny Gamer (she identifies as a bisexual and is currently married to a man) as there was quite some strong feedback from a reader who reacted strongly so much that her interpretation of the whole thing was that I ‘yearned for a man’. I was surprised, as a number of those who have read early versions of this essay instantly made sure they watched ‘Saving Face’ as it seemed the most prominent film that I was integrating into my examples.
Here is a section of what she sent me:
[Quote Start]
And honestly, even as a bi woman, I acknowledged the fact that odds were good that I would probably end up with a man. It’s a numbers game. There are more straight men than there are WLW out there. And even among the WLW community, a number of women just WON’T date bi ladies for exactly the reason you mentioned. They’re afraid that women are just a phase and that we’ll discover we’re straight and leave them for a man. That doesn’t mean I was “yearning for a male partner.” It’s just reality
[Quote End]
For me, the odds are that minimal that I would end up with a woman…because of a LOT of factors. I try to remind myself that the woman I could potentially end up with would have the kind of brain wiring that long-shots are almost normal to her. One of the significant ones I could see is that she could feel like marrying her would be some sort of political statement. I absolutely want to be able to help society to get to the point that two women in the middle of a shopping centre anywhere in the world (regardless of their gender presentation) are given the same treatment not only if it were a man and a woman in that scenario…but also a respect for their privacy. If she would be bothered by that and sees it as a ‘bonus’ and rather just me picking her than a man…then she isn’t the person I’m looking for.
(In a way, the odds increase! Because if faced with a man with a similar compatibility versus a woman. You bet I’m going to favour that woman! Not in a way that I’m going to let them both battle it out…by asking them questions….it’s more wanting to really make equality real. Because I now know that it would take a man some sort of miracle to make me believe that there is a reason I should favour him…as his gender has had the privilege for at least a millennia. Unfortunately men collectively had not heeded Peter Parker’s uncle’s reminder about what responsibility and privilege entails. The biggest reason that significant change is not happening, and dismaying things like the the possibility that ‘Roe v. Wade’ would be overturned…is that enough men think that it is not their fight that any male support is basically unheard and unheeded.)
There are people who thrive on being that 2% (Oscar Winners, Presidents, Startup Founders, Marriages That Last For Life Between Two People Who Still Desire Each Other After 60 Years Together….). While others would say: “God! A 98% chance of it not happening!?” — — She would say: “Let’s find a way to make it more likely that the 2% would come true.”
And in a sense, that’s what Burrito Expert and I are doing. As we look into areas where we can grow and not just jump to being lovers. I had mentioned to her that as I update this piece closer to what is happening at the moment. She is also amazed about the amount of coincidences (inevitabilities?) that needed to align in order for her and I to reach this point: very much wildly in love with each other and not phased at all (okay maybe a bit — — sometimes) with what most of society is dictating on how she and I should approach building a life together.
Incidentally, she actually has less wounds from The Patriarchy (Entitled Men & Predatory Men) than I do. That when I mentioned that Ed Sheeran and Cheery Seaborn’s connection was less than her and I because of their genders and the fact that they would have been influenced by Heteronormative Expectations, she mentioned that it kind of was judgemental of me to just assume that what they have is less than ours. Did I mention that she identifies as a Lesbian? I think the fact that she does have different views compared to a lot of Feminists who have been deeply hurt by the inaction of Good Men makes our pairing exactly like the one I had been hoping for.
And as someone who is in the process of healing my attachment style (I am a combination of Anxious and Avoidant), I needed to remind myself that in the midst of us building that Happily Every After every day, week after week…I also need to look at areas where I am able to heal. It is overwhelming sometimes, and I remind myself that this is the kind of work that is necessary to undo all the societal damage that has been inflicted on me. There’s the reminder too that I don’t have to rush things as Sapphic Couples like Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach are also in the process of untangling the knots (things like Internal Homophobia for Abby and body issues for Glennon) that are both a product of the communities they grew up in and current societal messages.
That it’s amazing that what she and I had feared would end our connection, that it’s those specific things that other Life Partner potentials have told us that were too much, those things actually were instrumental in strengthening our bond. We’re in the process of planning some activities together for early 2024 and she asked me if I am bothered by the number of questions she’s asking. Because I’ve read most of Hannah Paasch’s ‘Milleneagram’, I know I am a combo of a Dragon (Enneagram 8) and a Machine (Enneagram 1), which means that I appreciate action as well as specifics. Burrito Expert’s penchant for making sure that her teammate is also on board with the little things and making room for flexibility.
I know this whole thing is all a combination of the package that is her. That it is not just me looking to end up with a woman or someone who isn’t a Cisgender Man. How I’m still blown away that she had been looking for someone to lead without realising it. When I pointed out that she could have done that when she was looking for the person to spend the rest of her life with she replied with: “If I did that, the person would run away! Imagine me letting a prospect know that I wanted a leader?”
(Okay, that exactly wasn’t what she said as I’m probably embellishing. I’ll change this at some point after she has read this part and given me a quote that she’s happy with.)
The reason I mentioned the whole ‘leading’ part. Is that I had been hiding part of my Dragon Self because I don’t want to unintentionally stomp on My Exception. I didn’t want to make My Exception feel like I don’t want her to have agency. Just like what Glennon jokingly mentioned in an interview, that she’ll be happy to make the dreams of the people who she cares about. The catch? Glennon will let them know what their dreams are. So, that side is kind of still in the process. Hopefully I am not attempting to dictate to Burrito Expert what her dreams are. My aim now is when there is a concern or something I’m excited about, I just mention it and just leave it with her to bring it up with me again.
I think in the process of finding My Exception it was really helpful to remind myself that I am writing to that 2%. That even if I’d get all these responses wishing me luck to find that person. It wasn’t east to hang on there to focus on that person who I think would light me up when they are around me…as much I would …them …with my presence. Isn’t that what we all want with the person who we would eventually wake up next to…every day of the rest of our lives?
So, at this point? I don’t think that Rove’s question as to who would make me ‘gay’ would apply, as I already embrace being ‘unlabelled’. Handwriting Analyst (also a member of my Advisory Council) identifies as a lesbian and has an interesting view about labels: She wishes it didn’t exist. Her view is more of the perspective that even as a lesbian, she isn’t attracted to ALL women. I think this also explains why I have a similar view: Not all age-appropriate men turn my head. Some I’d go: “Uh, Okay…I guess?”.
If labels (like queer, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual…) were no longer used, it could be just as simple as recognising if we like a fellow human in that way. For those who identify as lesbians, it’s quite difficult because there are men who feel like it is their duty (though Handwriting Analyst is convinced that this is the toxic side of ego) to ‘turn’ a woman who only fancies women. I agree with her that the whole conversation about attraction (and who to ask out) could be done with a simple question: “Do you think you’d be open to find out if you can be attracted to me?”
Thinking back, I might have been unlabelled all my life, and that may be just because I am a Rebel, and naturally shun descriptors that feel restrictive. I know that might be my regret when I wrote my piece on ‘Saving Face’. I feel like ‘straight’ comes across as something very loaded and possibly even toxic. Just like I would prefer ‘Christ-Follower’ than ‘Christian’. Generally? If a person doesn’t take the time to get to know who I am and flippantly wants to label me, my response would just be: It’s up to them what they want to think.
You know how I view certain subset of men as “Uh, Okay…I guess?”? That is a blanket to all women. And when I mentioned to Male Drummer (yes, currently there are two men in my Advisory Council) that for women, all I see is a head and a shape. He was in disbelief. You could see how there’s a disconnect between a perspective like his (don’t worry…I’m in the process of getting to the point to find the right illustration to understand that because he checks out women who walk pass him, it doesn’t mean I do). I guess it helps me understand the WLW community more and imagine there would likely be a collective gasp when I share this revelation and expecting the question directed to me would likely be: “What do you mean, you don’t check women out!?”
This further made me realise with slight shock that: WOMEN CHECK EACH OTHER OUT!? AND WOMEN HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN CHECKING ME OUT FOR YEARS!?
That particularly…was like a ‘pillow slap’ (it packs the surprise and shock…but not the pain). I found myself thinking back to feeling that I was being judged by women in a number of occasions. Though that might be true, there also may be a possibility that I was being appreciated.
I have no idea how loud Dog Affectionado laughed when she read my message about that revelation. She just simply replied with: “They also likely flirted with you, and you probably thought they were just being nice.”
Which is why the process of being friends first really was the only way I could be able to be open to finding out if Burrito Expert was that person who I have been waiting for all my life. For Glennon, it was that instant knowing that Abby was her One. Was Glennon just lucky? That it could have probably gone in a different way? I feel like it was a combination of intuition and that initial attraction that some people feel when they cross paths with someone they instantly fancy.
It doesn’t matter how that woman identifies. As there have been clear examples that a woman who only has ever seen herself in relationships with men could end up with a woman. Taylor Strecker was such a woman. But that all changed after spending significant time with Taylor Donohue. Even with the clear lines drawn (the radio announcer is interested in men while the producer is interested in women) it still happened (I have since confirmed on Instagram that they are now married). Even then, I’d like to at least be aware on what would cross the line as I have learned that it would have been helpful in the past. This is also the same with men. Should I just stop contact with a man because we aren’t compatible as life partners (and this beautiful human still wants to find a way to be friends)?
What I like most about Rebecca Miller’s not-exactly-a-romcom ‘Maggie’s Plan’ is the fact that Maggie (Greta Gerwig) and Tony (Bill Hader) were able to remain good friends (you’d probably say: best friends) long after not working out as lovers. Their friendship is healthy enough that Tony’s wife understands their connection. It was interesting in the DVD commentary that Rebecca mentions that Tony likely is still in love with Maggie and its what drives him to still want to be connected with her. I’d like to think this is true but in a way that how much he cares for her has evolved into something that is more giving (I want to take care of you) than taking (I hope someday we end up together). My stance is that if I would be friends with a man who’s already married, I also have to be friends with his partner. It gets a bit challenging depending on the partner’s gender. If it’s a woman, I definitely have to do it. Because I want to make sure that I’m not inching into a place where I step over the line. So rules like: no hanging out together without someone else (preferably his wife) around. I guess I’m going to have to talk about this more with Burrito Expert. She and I have had conversations about boundaries and being able to repair the rupture that has been the result of cheating.
So now…I’ve sort of made public my thoughts. I will send this link to [name redacted] and mention that it means that I wouldn’t be able to do the Q&A with her anymore.
But what if I could send a message to all the women in the world? I think I’m going to send a link to a very well written perspective of a Late Bloomer. Since ending up with a woman isn’t what the majority of other women opt for, or even a safe option (at times — — depending on your support network), I get how it feels more comfortable to just go with what you are familiar with even if the perfect woman for you is standing on your front lawn with flowers, ready to woo you and face the world by your side.
If I do end up with a woman, I’ll likely have to go a lot of unlearning (like getting used to public displays of affection, at the same level as I am comfortable if it were a man giving it), but first, I have to invite the woman standing on the front lawn inside so she and I could work out how ‘forever’ would look for us. Now that’s done, I’m going to have to do the next part. She and I together.
#5 — Remy Hii and Scott Speedman are my ‘headturning benchmarks’
I would say that I no longer have crushes (and would think that my brain has purged itself of something that is quite surface level), but I still find myself sometimes pausing and think of a time when a particular gentleman would have caught my eye and wonder: ‘Should I say hello?’. I think I’ll be handing my conversation starters to those who are looking to have their Meet Cute in that way. Since I already have chosen Burrito Expert as my future spouse, I’m not keen on testing more of them unless it’s for a platonic connection. I can say it’ll take a lot for me to be open to have a Cisgender Man as a new friend.
One of them would be: ‘Would it be okay if I touch your shoulder?’ then ‘Would anyone be jealous if I did?’ if I was given consent. A back up would be to approach and call out (if you made your decision and the person who has caught your eye is already about a block away) then just see how you go. At one point you can probably go ‘I’m sorry…I thought there was something there.’ If after you walk away the person stops you…then…maybe you both might have something to talk about. If not…well…at least you tried right?
Of course it would be nice to just straight up and ask: ‘Would it be weird if I asked your Wire handle?’. I believe it’s helpful to make sure that this person isn’t someone who still needed to do major work on themself. Being well put together on the outside isn’t enough of proof to be also glowing in the inside.
If I lived in a universe where Compulsory Heterosexuality doesn’t exist. Would the two names be women, instead? Maybe there might not even be a gender! Maybe the whole society somehow has looked past aesthetics and there is now a way to see inside a person to find out how attractive their mind, heart, and soul are.
Yes, a previous head-turning benchmark had been unseated! I think it’s the realisation that I’ve named two white men. That I should consider POC headturners. Well, Remy did exactly that when he appeared in the finale of Poh Ling Yeow and Adam Liaw’s show (‘Adam & Poh’s Malaysia in Australia’). The camera panned to Remy and my brain went: “Oh…hello.”
I don’t think my brain did the same thing in ‘Spider-Man: Far from Home’ during the first couple of scenes of Brad Davis. I think it was more: “Oh! It’s him!”
Will Scott be always there? I don’t know. I kind of think that Ben Covington should be who all men should aspire to be. An actual Male Feminist. The debate between Felicity ending up with Noel Crane, should not even exist! My main exhibit: Noel was the one who pushed himself onto Felicity while intoxicated. Being intoxicated isn’t an excuse, but we never find Ben doing that sort of thing. The episode where Felicity misses an exam because of a watch that wasn’t doing it’s thing, has Ben asking if Felicity wanted to do more than they were currently doing.
Of course Ben has personal growth areas, but compared to Noel? Maybe those who vote for Noel give him a pass because he was intoxicated? All the more makes what he did NOT okay!
#6 — I am very independent
Being an introvert, I do need my alone time. Oddly not all introverts understand this. I’ve experienced a previous interaction when I had mentioned that I had to pull back as I felt like I had gone over my allotted time of catching up. Instead of understanding, this person wondered if it was something he did. Add to this my tendency to go off and do my own thing. Interestingly, I do have my moments of wanting to connect. I’m not sure if I should label it my ‘clingy phase’. I did eventually learn that I have a period of just wanting to spend time with those important to me, and after a certain point…I’ll run off and do something else. Now I’ve learned it’s because of having a combination of an Avoidant and Anxious attachment style. Mix that in with being a rebel and Dragon (Enneagram 8)? It generally pushes me to yearn for making sure that my task list is getting the attention it deserves.
I do make sure that there’s a bit of a balance. So, instead of waiting until my Mental Energy is so low that it may cause me to push that person away (by not caring if I start an argument), I now make sure that I have enough of a boundary to remember at which point to say: ‘Can we continue this in 4 days?’. This is a bit challenging with the connection I have with Burrito Expert. It’s actually what Ruth Schwartz & Michelle Murrain advise against in ‘Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love: A Roadmap to Finding the Right Partner and Creating the Relationship of your Dreams’. The advice is I should find someone who doesn’t have chemistry with me that’s 7/10 or above. Because having high attraction towards each other would prove distracting and would result in me not paying attention to the Personal Development areas that need attention between us.
I think My Future Wife would be delighted that in some instances, I feel that my chemistry with her is maybe 12/10! I agree with Ruth & Michelle that it does prove quite distracting, particularly when I need to get my own stuff done. I just want to keep working on our connection. When there’s a rupture or any form of disconnect, my driven side instantly wants to request some time with her and discuss what’s happening. The upside of that is that she and I have gone leaps and bounds because of specifically looking into the root of any sort of disconnect. This means that no matter how small (or seemingly insignificant) it is, she and I talk about it.
That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate her doing things for me. My language of appreciation is ‘gifts’ (I don’t think she and I have spoken about this, and it is incidentally something that is inherently her: she is a generous person). I learned that it is by receiving something from someone I have a connection with just makes it the more memorable. It was also me realising that I have a soft spot for ‘free stuff’. Though now I remind myself that I am enough and when there’s free stuff that I really don’t have immediate need for, that I just have to pass on the opportunity.
Though I think ‘acts of service’ also gets significant play when communicating something to me. So, someone telling me ‘I love you’ will be wasting their breath if they do not follow this with something (like making sure they remember and respect my need for space or listening to that specific thing I asked for). This could mean that I’d get a message from a person in my life if they’re dropping by my favourite snack store asking if I’d want something. Surprises are nice, but asking first is much better. Really! Some people like it when the people who care about them ‘read their mind’ and think it’s embarrassing to ‘ask and check to be sure’. I’m the opposite. Regular communication is important to me and that means checking in.
#7 — It is important to me that we both get our finances in order
I used to be that person that didn’t mind juggling — — preparing for retirement with finding the right human to spend the rest of my life with. Now, I know that it wouldn’t be fair to my future spouse. Because I’d like to easily be able to choose to take time off (if there’s some big setback and suddenly both income streams had taken a hit).
It’s a big ask…and Burrito Expert and I are in conversations about how to tackle this as we work on building a life together. Because this means that I can only say yes in making time to build a friendship. Though it’s the sort of friendship where the benefit of this approach is we wouldn’t really be too ‘high on feelings’ (like other people who lose their minds as they fall in love) as it would be tapered by looking at how our lives could fit rather than just bask in those feel-good brain chemicals. I’d like to say that I’m looking for a two year runway of not being able to worry about income coming in…but if I had to really dig in? I’m thinking about 15–20 years. Yes, retirement…basically.
Initially, I was thinking of building something that could cover both me and the person I end up with. But thinking about their freedom in the relationship is important. There are tons of relationships that have two people who are only together for financial benefit. I don’t want that for me, and I certainly don’t want that for my future spouse. So if one of the things I had mentioned to Burrito Expert is that if either of us wants ‘out’ of the marriage, I would want there to be ease in letting the other know and not stay because of financial struggles.
Certainly Compulsive Heterosexuality does perpetrate that thinking. While it’s kind of nice to have that simple rule: the man takes care of the woman. We already know that it isn’t something that benefits society. Women end up on the short end of the stick (I’m really anguished that a man would dare object to equal divisions of assets when a marriage is dissolved — — because if he didn’t want to share assets and see it as his rather than both of them…why not just sort it out legally at the start? Or even during the marriage? So his wife clearly gets the picture of the worse case scenario: she is likely going to be left with nothing).
#8 — Sex should be a bonus rather than a requirement
I’m going to chalk this up to my being a ‘rebel’. Anytime I’m required to do something, I’m naturally going to push against it. It’s not usually an issue as I’ve learned to work around it. This is a pretty lengthy discussion because of the way society has devalued the importance of giving women agency in terms of finding out what works for them. There’s an episode from ‘How To Be A Better Human’ (hosted by Chris Duffy) titled ‘How to have great sex’ where guests Siphumeze Khundayi and Tiffany Mugo (a Non-Monogamous Sapphic Couple) reminds us that it’s what works. Even if it means that there isn’t any form of it. That everyone has a responsibility of taking charge of their own sexual experiences and not blame it on their partner when they have a sub-par experience.
Burrito Expert knows that she is better off to re-frame disagreements in a way that makes it easier for me to find a solution, it’s making something a request than an ultimatum. Presenting two choices (or however number of them there are) as the only two routes would be the quickest way to get me to run as far away from her as possible. Maybe not run away completely, but that I need some time to think about the interaction more. Other couples talk about potentially losing things eventually (like growing old…and losing youthful vigor…and adding a bit of wrinkles onto a once unlined face), and an epiphany for me is that the person who would want to spend as much time with me is the right fit if they wouldn’t be concerned if sex was completely off the table (yes, even after getting married).
I’d like to think that we are more than how we are in the bedroom. I understand that other people have that as their identity (under ‘special skills’ maybe?) and is the form of intimacy that keeps them connected to their partner. Another reference is a really good episode from ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ with Emily Nagoski and after reading the transcript, I got confirmation that my approach (a ‘bonus’ rather than ‘essential’) works for me. Sadly, culture is all to happy to put pressure (and include items that might not work for the individuals in said relationship) of the kind of ingredients that make up a successful marriage.
#9 — It matters little to me if you have kids
Burrito Expert and I have had the conversation: that we aren’t going to look into adopting anytime soon.
I’ve expressed my desire to adopt an older kid or even take in a child that is about to age out of the foster system. That story arc in ‘This Is Us’ definitely influenced me about the importance of looking into adopting older kids (12 and above). Then also the importance of helping those who are now adults but haven’t found their forever home.
I think my ideal world is where kids can choose their parents. That it would be nice if the term Step-Parent would be abolished and instead replaced by ‘bonus parent’, but I do understand that sometimes it isn’t possible based on the kind of relationship a person has with their previous partner.
Having spent about 20 years involved in raising my siblings (yes, that includes cleaning poo off at least one bum as well as enduring ‘sanity testing’ adolescence), I couldn’t see myself wanting to go through that again. So…if there would be some room to adopt a child. It would take one special child (or kids?) for me to even consider taking one in.
#10 — I’d still consider you even if you’ve been divorced five times
I know! That is a lot! Heaps more than Ross Geller, who is the poster child (man?) for failed relationships. I hope that unlike Ross, you have learned to grow and ‘level up’ nicely because of those experiences.
#11 — Experiencing ‘rock bottom’ is an asset
This is interesting as I am in the process of my own ‘rock bottom’ due to multiple betrayals. I was able to get to a point where I was ready to open myself up only to be betrayed again. This does impact my capability to trust and has blown my sense of safety. Thankfully, Burrito Expert and I have managed to build a connection that isn’t frayed when there is a trust wobble. That she understands that when I share a fear that she might do something that would threaten my sense of safety, that it’s the trauma I experienced from the past and not really that she is capable of ever inflicting that kind of hurt towards me.
Having healed from past hurts than being in the process is nice. What I learned is that even if we feel completely healed, sometimes there are still ones that we aren’t aware of that only surface at a specific point of our lives. It’s going to be draining at times and Burrito Expert has expressed her fear that I would leave her because of what she has experienced in her past. That she might say something which would result me closing the door and not opening it again.
This is where the right person comes in. I realised that if it was someone other than Burrito Expert, that I wouldn’t likely want to invest. It’s that magic that happens when you found your person. That I somehow surprise myself with the amount of patience I have for her. That instead of asking if it’s time for us to go our separate ways, I would just mention that part of me wants to run. Because I’m faced with my fear of losing her too. To be too attached and I’m left with a broken heart and having to spend the rest of my life to pick up the pieces.
There are those who worry about ending up with someone who’ll end up with an addiction. For me, I’d rather be introduced to a person who has recovered from something as devastating as getting past an alcohol dependency (I prefer this term rather than ‘alcoholic’) because now, there are boundaries and understanding triggers.
If you are the sort who would want to go on dates before opening up to someone rather than nurturing a friendship as a way to decide if there’s long term compatibility with a specific person, you would likely come across those who wants people who have zero illnesses and significant financial breathing room. The biggest downside of only filtering your future spouse based on those criteria is you might miss out on those people who could give you an opportunity to test out how you would tackle an adversity. Because what if you do get all you wanted in your checklist as well as those two items? Then the person gets diagnosed with cancer? That they find out that they have an autoimmune disease? Would you walk away from that person because you haven’t had a chance to build a resilience in tackling life’s setbacks together?
#12 — Please be within the 35–45 demographic
Significant age difference would be something that I’d have to take a bit of time to get my head around. It is not something I prefer. While it’ll be great if I just put down my age this year, I’ve learned that it is best to just keep it on a scale for privacy purposes.
Burrito Expert basically smashes this section. I know even if she ends up older or younger than me (I was open to 10 years older or younger than me when I crossed paths with her), there would be other things to focus on to build our connection. I kind of feel really lucky that she and I are both Young Gen-Xers. That we have similar experiences even if we didn’t grow up in the same city.
Prior to her and I falling for each other, she coloured her hair. Although I am more of a ‘au naturelle’ kind of woman, I had expressed to her that I didn’t mind if she chose to colour her hair. What’s interesting is that she started holding off the colouring because she has mentioned that although I do not require her to let her hair be its natural colour. She has told me that there is a certain level of attractiveness that she can attain if she chooses not to. I’ve yet to see her hair fully without any colouring and I have a feeling that she is also looking forward to my reaction when I notice more and more of her greys being prominent.
#13 — I’m going to look at ‘us’ as a team
The biggest thing I’ve learned during my search for a spouse, is the importance of teamwork. I’ve been guilty of walking away from a person because of something they did. I refer to Burrito Expert as my ‘teammate’. I want to be looking at how we are working rather than how we aren’t. At least now, I’m clear that it’s about seeing if we can stand being in a conversation then finding how we could be friends. Eventually looking at the possibility that there may be something there. Enough to carry us to a very private pajama wedding then until either of our lifespans.
So, yes…if you want to emulate the path I took, you’ll probably have to say ‘no’ to a date. At least before you and your person builds a good foundation of communication. This is usually best built as friends because there isn’t that pressure to get everything right or maybe impress the other person (at least compared to when dating). I know Burrito Expert would probably point out that she and I are in the Friend Stage and we have the hots for each other. I mean, okay, she’s right. When there’s chemistry there’s no helping to want to focus on when you make the leap to lovers.
However it is for you. I learned that it’s important for me (and my future marriage) to go through the essential steps. As much as I’d like to be hit with those feel-good chemicals during a ‘love high’, I’m not going to skip checking for both compatibility and red-flags. Plus, I kind of like to know that I could be friends with the person I’m going to marry. Not bad of a deal…right? You might get your forever person…as a spouse or a friend (lets face it…some people are really better off as friends than lovers so it’s better to find out at the start rather than while signing divorce papers).
It is scary to consider that there’s a timeline that Burrito Expert and I wouldn’t work out. That we would get married and realise that we are better off as friends. I mean, I can’t get my head around how that would happen, but it could, right? I don’t have the benefit of hindsight yet. But I think My Future Wife and I are making sure that we give ourselves the best chance of making it by doing prep work and also delighting in sharing scenarios of what would it be like when we’re married. I already know that I take longer in the supermarket than her. That she would likely be waiting in the car as I finish up.
#14 — I would prefer an introvert
Extroverts are a puzzle to me. I would like to think that I understand them (or at least can keep up in conversation), but I am not one (at the most I’m an omnivert). Ending up with someone who falls more in the ‘extroverted side’ of the spectrum would be interesting, and might even be beneficial for me in the long run.
One of the important things I’ve learned about extroverts is that they aren’t meaning to be judgemental. They just come across that way. Why? Because their thoughts ‘leak’ from their brains! It took a while for me to make that connection, but eventually understood that I’m just being privy to their thoughts. Introverts are lucky that ‘thought leakage’ isn’t the norm.
Another is that they are usually chasers. Which is a good match for me since I am a natural ‘runner’. If you put an extrovert who has invested in his personal growth in front of me, I will wager that he would be likely the kind of person who doesn’t have an issue with apologising first. If he does, he might be the type who would want to chase his partner into continuing the conversation (so he’ll have at least a clue on what he could work on…next time). Since I am a runner…I’d like to have a chaser on the other end (I know! I’m saying this again! But the revelation that my instinct is to ‘run’ rather than ‘chase’ was one of my big epiphanies). Even saying that? I still would prefer an introvert. The downside is…I’ll likely have to be the chaser in that scenario (or at least be one…until we sort out our issue).
I guess the good news is, Burrito Expert is an introvert like me! She and I are attempting to navigate the scenario of me needing time for myself. Maybe because I need to be thinking and sitting with my feelings. It could also me just being my Dragon self: Making things happen. Though it’s really awesome to have found my person, I still want to have me there somewhere. I think at some point while getting to know Burrito Expert, I felt like I was losing myself there. My Driven Self kept aligning with My Fixer Self and focused on looking at the tweaks that can be done to make sure my connection with her is humming along. That meant that there are things that I wanted to finish that got delayed. Finding that balance is tricky.
#15 — Self-care should be a priority
The biggest struggle with people pleasers is that they struggle to look after themselves first. This results in worrying health habits like lack of sleep and poor nutrition. I’m an entertainer. I get it. It feels awesome when you make someone feel good. A stranger? Yes! How about the people you care about? Even better!
Just like those who chase the ‘love-high’ that is the result of getting to know someone new, it also happens to humans after they had been of service to another. Remember that time you felt good helping out a tourist find where the Canadian embassy is? Awesome. Right? I totally support you offering yourself up to those around you. As long as you know you also would feel great if your body is in tip-top shape.
#16 — My humour blueprint: Cheeky, Hyperbollic, with a touch of dark
You see now why both ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Enough Said’ spoke to me. Though I would say that there are more types (wry, subtle, deadpan, and physical) that are included to give you an idea of what would make me smile, chuckle, or full on tip over my seat in laughter. This is probably why not a lot of stand-up appeals to me since the majority of comics use the stage to air out their frustration in a way that is unhealthy. I’m definitely dismayed that sarcasm is considered something to be laughed at since it’s goal is to assert dominance over the other person.
Sarcasm having a place in the humour canon is a result of us (which is why there is a lot of ‘fluent in sarcasm’ lines in bios) being socialised to dominate each other. If you look at any kind of bullying behaviour, you’ll see that it’s about reducing the target’s value and increasing the value of the person delivering the hurtful comment. This is also what pick-up culture embraces and unfortunately the ‘neg’ (aka ‘negging’) is an example of why it is so effective: it gets a reaction. So, if I am hit with any comment that lowers my worth, I make sure to sever contact with the person, or if unavailable…only engage with them as little as possible.
What about Zach Galifianakis’ ‘Between Two Ferns’ (both the series and the film)? I think it (sometimes) succeeds because it is able to integrate satire. Possibly, because it also manages to walk the line that makes a successful jab when someone Takes The Piss. What I enjoyed about the film version of the Web Series was that the outtakes show that each ‘interviewee’ is equally delighted by Zach’s jabs. I think that makes it Taking The Piss. If the target of the comment doesn’t enjoy it, then it is no longer healthy.
Epic relationships aren’t built on insults. The reason that the scene in ‘Saving Face’ with Jay joining Wil and her mother for dinner works, is our knowledge of how inappropriate Hwei-Lan’s comment (the connection of soy sauce consumption with the skin colour of the fetus developing) was. I was able to see the humour in it (and did laugh a couple of times when it was delivered) because I am reminded how judgemental people can get when they don’t spend time getting to know (and nurture friendships) those who have a different outlook and life experience as them.
The interviews Zach conducts takes a stab on not only members of the press that try to forcefully pry into a person’s life to satisfy the media’s (mainly the internet) hunger for sensationalised headlines (or enough to be considered ‘click-bait’) but also those who ask questions that are not equal to the level of familiarity. Just like how some people think it’s okay to ask queer women what happens behind closed doors. Women already face harassment from toxic men and it gets worse for those who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, making it difficult for them to find safe spaces to interact and find each other.
#17 — It’s going to be a Pajama Wedding for me
I’m definitely for marriage, but not so crazy about the celebration aspect of it. At the moment it might be one of those outlandish outfits like Sumo Suits or Dino Onesies. Burrito Expert mentioned that for her, it has changed. That she wants the world to know who she found and the connection she has with them. I can assume that she means that it has changed when she met me, but that’s not good to do if I am seeking transparency while in the process of building a life with her. I will ask if us getting such a good result in working on our connection had changed her mind. That our slow burn paid off (and is still paying off) big time.
I still am hoping for a very low key (10 attendees or less) ceremony or none at all, but they say that the wedding is for the couple’s parents. My rebel side is really pushing back on this one, that I might just give into Burrito Expert’s cheeky comment that she and I would just elope. I’d rather just sort out the paperwork for our nuptials then separately hang out with our friends (via dinner parties or cafe breakfasts) to celebrate.
Given, I am a ‘practical dresser’…this is not a surprise. During the last couple of years, I’ve actually even been paring down my wardrobe even more. This means I have to do laundry more frequently, but that’s okay. At least every piece gets regular (I’m going to say…at least…a month?) use, and when it gets to a certain point…it’s off to the donation bin (or the actual bin). But I know that sometimes it might end up as one of my cymbal sleeves or covers for electrical equipment as some of my shirts have.
This also means that Burrito Expert would have to put up with an occasional beanie (or 5?) during summer (I make sure to do this during the colder days or when the Air Conditioner is humming along at 21 C) as I literally rotate (wearing my vests if my pants don’t have pockets) my entire wardrobe.
#18 — I understand that men are socialised differently
Having a good understanding what the ‘toxic beliefs’ are within your gender is a good start. It’s not easy to recognise these behaviours in yourself or how they are keeping you from ‘the best version of you’. Probably competitiveness would be one of the biggies. That it’s okay to be competitive (there are healthy ways to go about it) but not to the point that you’re lowing the value of another person (by your drive to win all the time). Another useful skill is learning to accept and action feedback. I know there is still a place to be really defensive when dealing with someone who is really out to get you, but the dangerous belief that men have to know everything and not ask help is not just off putting to someone (like me) who is considering opening up a spot in within my circle for at least one…it also does damage to the society (in terms of the mental health of said man) as a whole.
There’s a really good documentary that includes a specialist mentioning that we all have the same brain, it’s just cultural expectations make it different. I like the section when they talk about the kind of messaging that harms both young boys and girls that eventually mold them into embracing these damaging beliefs. Thankfully, toy companies (like Lego) are now taking action to hopefully remove (or at least reduce) gender bias. Yes, you may have certain wirings that make you a unique individual, but that is outside of the influence of your family (those who raised you) and the rest of your community (at least until you reach 25).
Burrito Expert has a number of men in her circle that she has nurtured friendships with. I’m not sure if she still is in the process of understanding my connection to everyone else, regardless of their gender. That anytime she finds me staring at a man, it’s likely that I’m just thinking about a time where this guy might have caught my eye. Or maybe a reminder that a man who I’d recommend to be in a commercial for an environmentally friendly car manufacturer, might not be the same one who would be the kind of individual that the version of me in another universe would end up with.
I just don’t see myself wanting to be with anyone else other than Burrito Expert. It’s like everything has been connected to meeting her. I’m glad I can say this publicly and not worry about her bolting.
My choice of toys when I was a kid consisted of army figures, a bucket of Lego pieces, early gaming consoles, then later early Windows and DOS desktops. Even if I rejected playing with dolls…at least I had the choice (compared to some young boys who lose out on building nurturing skills early). Oh! Could that mean that Burrito Expert might need to be the nurturer between us? I’d be cool with that and it seems like as I get to know her and our connection deepens even more, it does point to her as the nurturer. Should I mention that I have a soft spot for plush toys? They don’t sit as a collection, but sometimes I’d hang on to them depending on who has given the gift (my love language). I did get the epiphany that I am the ‘wipee’ (Wil) rather than the ‘wiper’ (Vivian) after subsequent ponderings about ‘Saving Face’.
Interestingly, Burrito Expert and I haven’t been talking about allowing each other to be taken care of. I’m not sure if it says something of our individual Personal Development journeys if I am more open to her caring for me than she is of me caring of her when she is ill (with the flu or the cold). Because if she is ill, I will likely find something (at the shops) to help her get back to her healthy self. So, it’s probably until she’s read the update of this piece that she’ll let me know if she’s a fan of egg-drop soup or my instant miso (stock powder and miso paste dissolved in hot water)…I can definitely fulfil that! Maybe I’m nurturing, but not in an obvious way?
#19 — I steer away from typical terms of endearment like ‘babe’, ‘love’, ‘honey’, or ‘sweetheart’
I thought it was interesting that I did not see myself as someone who would use ‘babe’ as a term of endearment, but I found myself doing just that one day. I told Burrito Expert that I somehow had this thought when I was sending her a message, that wanted to call her ‘babe’. The next interesting thing? She actually has been hoping to use that term with a partner and has not used it with anyone before. From that point on, I had been ‘babe’ to her. It feels natural and a bit surprising that I would find myself using a term of endearment that hundreds of millions likely do.
It did end up evolving and I found myself testing other terms or wanting to say specific ones. One that seemed to bubble up more often is My Darling. Since Burrito Expert considers it a very old term of endearment (“…like what a man during the 1920’s say to his Significant Other…”), I just use it when I want to inject levity in our conversation. What’s interesting though, is that the more I use it, the deeper it gets absorbed into our connection and I find myself using it to convey my deep affection for her.
I think my view is that I need a combination of both (the term needs to link to something that symbolises our connection and commitment to each other), plus not wanting to be like a lot of couples. Though likely the deeper reason would be that there are couples who I do not want to emulate at all, who use either of those terms. I remember reading somewhere that you can’t help but end up having a language all of your own as a couple as the years roll by. So, I guess as she and I keep connecting with each other the Terms of Endearments might change? Suggestions are absolutely welcome. You can help My Future Wife test run names and see how she (or I) respond.
#20 — Monogamy works for me
I’ve had conversations with those practising Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamoury. The reasons that those relationship structures work for them, is the reason monogamy works for me. I already have limited time to invest in the people in my life due to the kind of work I do. This means I am already left with limited mental energy.
I’m not sure I can essentially take on more than one partner. This is why I’m okay with having as many friends as I could. My spouse would be the person I’d always come home to (I mean…other than if I was taking a trip with friends!). I haven’t yet faced with the situation that I’ll be taking a trip with a friend while married. So, if I do have to face that, it’ll be something I’ll have to discuss with Burrito Expert. Boundaries are important, and I don’t think it’s impossible to have like a 2 week holiday with a bestie without her.
#21 — I’m working on extending my ‘patience runway’
Being an Alpha and a fiery person by nature, doesn’t really bode well for cultivating friendships with extra sensitive people. It would be easy to just automatically discount them, but I recently realised that there is much personal growth that would benefit me. If I don’t, I’ll miss out on those awesome people who just need a bit of extra gentleness. Maybe I need to give them extra time or…maybe I just need to take a break to find a different perspective. Sometimes, it’s just realising that I have to pause to make sure I’m not getting ‘tunnel vision’…because if I am…I’d end up missing changes.
As I go through and ponder on the betrayals in my past, I realised that every human being is sensitive. It’s just the degree they show it to other people. Everyone has their own Alpha Self guarding their Squishy Self. Though maybe for some it’s the other way around? That they fear showing that they have this driven side because they have been socialised to expect rewards if they fawn or mostly show their compliant side.
As my Happily Every After with Burrito Expert ticks on by (year after year), I’d hope to be that person for her. It would make sense that I ended up with someone who is in a different spectrum in terms of sensitivity. Why? Because we’ll end up learning from each other. I get the ‘sensitive perspective’ and hopefully she’ll be more comfortable unleashing more of her Secret Alpha Self (I believe all of us have it in us — — just some have it more overt than others) and can easily step in when the decision making part of my brain needs a bit of a break.
#22 — Equality is essential
I don’t mean, that it’s about maintaining a spreadsheet on contributions. I’m thinking that if I end up doing that with Burrito Expert it would be in a way that it’s more about looking after finances, not keeping points (though I understand that women naturally have a ‘secret point system’ to track how their partners are going so it’ll be interesting how this would show up between Burrito Expert and I — — if at all). It’s more of making sure that we’re on level footing. When I thought about ending up with a man who was built like a truck and could easily overpower me when emotions get heightened…I considered that it might be helpful to go through some self defense lessons.
Maybe even sparing together with this hypothetical man who I have no interest in meeting in the process of building a friendship. It made me wonder too how this would work with Burrito Expert. Would I be comfortable holding my own if she were to suddenly have a chance it Brain Wiring? You know how there are people when they experienced some form of Traumatic Brain Injury, that they end up being a different person? What if that happened with Burrito Expert? That I end up not feeling safe in her presence?
It’s a bit reductive to expect that only men struggle with gender norms. A lot of queer couples also find themselves locked onto these expectations (like the more masculine presenting partner be the one who’s in charge of doing anything resembling close to manual labour or the ‘nurturer’ is automatically the one who cooks and cleans). As long as communication is regularly present, I don’t think Burrito Expert and I will have an issue to find our balance.
#23 — I have an Inner Dancer itching to get out
I am one of those ‘drummer stereotypes’ (if there’s one?). I don’t dance. I’ll make sure to nod my head at the most, even when I’m enjoying the music. When a friend sent a message about having fun at a dance event, I thought: Cool. I didn’t really think of it much. Except to be delighted for her. I was glad she was enjoying herself and mentioned that I was hoping I’d get a dance video.
Then some interesting things started happening: I started to get memory after memory about dancing. I was sharing with her one of the times I did not know I was dancing…and only realised until I got a comment! It was shortly after watching ‘Save The Last Dance’. It was interesting that Burrito Expert had not seen the film and we were able to watch it together. There wasn’t really much conversation about the dancing on that, I don’t think?
But she and I did end up attempting to do moves from those ‘Dances Around The World’ compendiums. That ended up in kind of a Rabbit Hole of watching all sorts of videos about dancing like the moves during the 90’s and the one that Michelle Obama did with Jimmy Fallon.
Did you end up dancing too? I mean, the film doesn’t really stand up much today (I might rewatch it just to see…for sure) but when I watched it decades ago? You know the scene? It’s the epilogue where Sara and Derek have their victory dance (or at least that’s how I’d call it — — maybe more ‘celebratory dancing’?).
Maybe this whole process of sharing more of myself is nudging other parts of myself to easily be revealed just makes it for other epiphanies to surface? When I thought about those instances I wanted to dance, there was that itch. I just didn’t trust what would happen afterwards. There have been a couple of times when I wanted to shimmy down a supermarket aisle when a ‘danceable song’ gets piped out the speakers. Another was at Church, I think I was attending one of those night services (or maybe it was just dark in the auditorium?) and found myself glancing at a section that is usually for thoroughfare and imagining myself starting from one side to the other…then back again.
Will I share a video of me dancing? Maybe. But now I feel like it’s something private. Kind of like those early seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ with Cristina Yang dancing it out with bestie Meredith Grey. Now, that makes me think about spouses dancing it out, and I can’t seem to come up with names!
As I was writing this section, I asked myself: How is this relevant to making it easier if the person reading this to decide if I would be the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with? My initial reaction was to delete the whole thing. Then something bubbled up: It’s going to be necessary for a lifetime together to be constantly open to discovering parts of ourselves. It was so interesting that when I first floated the idea of a Dance Party with Burrito Expert, she was absolutely open to it. It’s kind of interesting that I basically got what I was hoping for: A person who’s also into the kind of adventures I would be into.
#24 — You have to be clear about your intent
I think with Burrito Expert, I’m lucky that when she and I crossed paths I knew she was looking for a Life Partner. That I also was able to make it clear that I am wanting to build a friendship because not only it would make it easier for her and I to get to know each other, it also allows for that breathing room. Because we didn’t need to be pressured to be anything other than friends. If something happens after that, then brilliant. If not? We have this friendship that is built on a very strong foundation.
Now that I know I’ll be marrying her one day, what about other connections? I mean, it doesn’t change things. I will still go through the Friend Levels approach. There would still be a conversation with people who are interested in seeing if we have Conversation Chemistry and maybe the possibility of being Lifelong Friends. That this person and I would decide on the boundaries. Burrito Expert recognises my amazingness and knows that other people would see that too. Which means there’s a chance that another person may want to let me know that if I were to be open to options, that they would like to add their name.
Which brings me to choices. I am choosing Burrito Expert. Since I know my connection to others is built on trust, I doubt anyone else would want to fight for me the way she would. Maybe, but I’m willing to take that risk. If there’s someone out there who might be similarly (maybe even more) compatible with me? I feel like Burrito Expert would overtake that person. If not now, then at some point in the future. Because Burrito Expert and I would already have those kind of things that people have when they are continually building a life with someone. It could be something as small as us deciding to use ‘Applesauce’ instead of ‘applause’ because of one of my typos. That she somehow knows that I have more than 4 different ways of giggling and what each possibly means.
Now that I’ve found Burrito Expert I’m still amused that I think about her while I’m talking to her. That there are scenarios that flash between us. I tell her about it later and she is surprised how distracted I become. I might let her know that it’s those times that I can allow myself to be distracted. When there’s room to daydream. One of the benefits of me starting meditation was the focus it affords. I can focus when I need to and let my mind wander when the situation allows for it. So, when I’m driving, I’m also using it as a form of meditation: being focused on a particular task.
With my whole belief about Parallel Universes, I can easily think about scenarios where something has happened. Maybe we’re going out, or maybe we’re married. So, if I’m not going through that specific scenario where I am wondering what life would be like if she and I ended up with each other maybe earlier in life? Maybe this world had majority of the ones married, Sapphics? I think pondering about what our life might have become or maybe unfolding in this other universe kind of helps me be more intentional. I know that she and I met at the perfect time. That we are in the process of healing our wounds from the past so it affects our connection less and less. Plus the excitement of sharing with each other what we see in 6 months, 3 years, 5 years.
I’d like to think I can pick up signs that someone has the hots for me. Unfortunately, like with anything, it still could be more the actual intent. Flirting for one person is not the same for another. I know it might even be as plain as telling me that when you do this specific thing. Maybe our conversation about boundaries would prevent this and you’ll be able to curb your tendencies to be flirty.
I think this is why it’s so important to build a strong foundation on communication. Even with Burrito Expert and I, that sometimes things get lost in the cracks. I get hurt when she tells me of a past connection thinking that Burrito Expert may want to revisit this connection if she has a chance. That no matter how much ruptures happen, there’s a way of finding our way back to each other. I know it’s possible because we already have had those ruptures. I’m hoping that it wouldn’t get worse as time goes but, but if it does, I have faith that it’ll get better because of the learnings we find out each time there’s a rupture.
#25 — I’d like to know the actions you have taken to make your city safer for women
I am very lucky. As Glennon Doyle says of Abby being a fabulous cook: Because Jesus loves me. I’m still a bit in flux about the whole God thing because of how The Patriarchy has very likely twisted the message God wanted to impart to the world. I keep going back to that circle of men putting together those Greek Texts:
[Quote Start]
Misogynist Man 1: So…God would want to be called a ‘He’ right?
Misogynist Man 2: Totally.
[Quote End]
Maybe those same men might consider using Them as a way to refer to God if they were putting those texts in 2024? Since it’s a Trinity after all?
I couldn’t live with myself for considering a man to be my spouse if there are still not enough men mobilising to make a change to ensure women are not second-class citizens, residents, or visitors. Mistakenly, I believed that gender equality meant that it all comes down to each gender just doing their best and the rewards would follow. What I didn’t take into account until recently was that at the start things are not equal between a cis man and a woman. Cis men do not have to worry about what they wear, because if they choose the wrong thing it is unlikely they would be harassed or assaulted. It doesn’t matter what city you live in, there is always that section (or maybe even time of day) that a woman cannot be alone. Sometimes even with a number of women around her, a woman is still not safe. Sometimes even with a man around her, she is not safe.
Women have to worry about aesthetics. Make-up is a big example. This is what a lot of society (the toxic part) perceives that is needed to be respected. Your skin is not flawless? Make-up is there to make it better. But how long does it take to apply make-up to make it look as natural as possible? If you are lucky to not have to think about your skin or don’t feel naked without make-up I am glad. I think about my skin every now and then but managed to be okay without makeup.
Thankfully, the big studios that churn out TV and film projects are now making sure that representation is there. All kinds of body types are celebrated as well as gender presentation.
So, tell me? How could I face those women who have suffered in the hands of men? Even if I don’t get to meet My Exception, even if she actually doesn’t exist (thankfully she does!)…I will have to choose to decline opportunities no matter how much chemistry I feel, no matter if he and I reached the highest levels in friendship. I can’t say yes, because one day I’ll look at him and his privilege would be a glaring reminder of his inaction.
I understand a lot of Feminists have their version of this rage. I too have mine as an emerging one. If you aren’t familiar with it, here’s Glennon Doyle with her version from Episode 105 of ‘We Can Do Hard Things’:
[Quote Start]
…I know it’s not all that simple, but I wonder why men aren’t out there fighting and marching and demanding accountability for sexual predators. Like their own lives depend on it. It must be because their own lives don’t depend on it. It’s because their partners lives depend on it. So why aren’t their asses out there every day fighting for their families?
[Quote End]
It’s not the job of the oppressed to speak out. It’s the job of the oppressors to realise what they have to change. Yes, when someone from an oppressed group of people speak out, it does help in shining a spotlight on a specific incident like what Chanel Miller did in her Victim Impact Statement but lasting change doesn’t happen in a pace where it’s needed until enough men understand that they are needed. That they need to be as passionate about change as those being oppressed.
I initially thought that me making a significant ‘list’ of the kind of person who I’ll be a good match for, was an excuse to avoid a commitment. I know it isn’t. I’m still scared of making a mistake, that I didn’t realise this one item should be in my Spouse Search piece. One of the things I remember about ‘Hitch’ is the protagonist saying that everyone wants to find love, and anything else is just an excuse. While I do agree with it, I would like to be practical in being a romantic. There’s no assurance that Burrito Expert and I will work out. What she and I are aiming to do is do as much prep work as we can and also focus on the kind of life we want. Because isn’t that how those Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) strategies work? What enlightened humans like Marisa Peer, Martha Beck, and Elizabeth Gilbert have been proselytising? That it starts with recognising the kind of narrative that lives within us, then if that narrative is harmful to us reaching the best version of ourselves, then change it? So if it doesn’t work out between us…I’d like to be able to make it easier to pick myself up after heartbreak. By putting this list together I do want to give the right person a chance, a fighting chance…if you will. But I still believe she is here and I get a chance to spend the rest of my days with her.
You were wondering about the title, right? To put it simply: it’s just one possible combination. Will I be okay if I end up with a ‘Soulful Introvert’ or a fellow ‘Fiery Introvert’? How about a ‘Fiery Extrovert’? Sure! And I do recognise when the right person comes along, the list would matter little (though I’ll probably be amazed that it makes sense!) because I’d be more focused on looking into how to make us work. Two natural Alphas can make it work, no matter how driven they both are. It’s about personal growth in the end.
What makes me smile though is knowing that all the Wils, Vivians, Evas, and Alberts are somewhere happy living their life. I’m so glad that I now have joined them in finding someone who I can build a life with. The hours of writing this and thinking about that possibility of finding that person who would match me in every way was worth it. It’s not a perfect match, since she and I still have some untangling to do. But the imperfectness of it all makes it all the more reason she and I are perfect for each other. I believe that building something that lasts a lifetime and maybe until even the next one includes even the grumpiness and frustration with each other. Because it allows us to workout our Patience Muscle. I’m extremely happy that I didn’t (though there were times that I sort of did?) buckle due to societal pressure and make being in a relationship a priority…when I knew there were more important things I needed to sort out. Plus there’s the glaring reminder of the painful and draining fallout if I forced myself to be in a relationship that isn’t a fit.
So…what’s next? We’ll see what she thinks.
(I’m now reminded that I haven’t tried ‘Chief’ as a Term Of Endearment. We already have ours. I’m not going to mention it because it’s already there in our shared Instagram account.)
For a boatload of quotes (and some of my thoughts) about relationships, you can dive in here.
PS: What other questions helped you find out that your spouse was the one for you? (Are there specific details you think other readers should focus on that would help them focus on their successes rather than their failures?)
Drop me a line here or comment below! :)
