(Note to readers, if I were to classify this post — — it’ll probably end up with a glaring red MA mark)
When I watched Foreign Correspondent’s coverage of David Goodall’s last days, little did I know that months later I’d be referencing a possible trip to Basel thwarted out of fear that a miracle would happen.
It feels like a stand-up act. One that I couldn’t help perform…because…what can you do?
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INT. THE DRAGON’S CAFE — DAY*
A mixture of suits, yoga pants, and hipsters in jeans. The regular haunt is at 80% capacity. If you think stand-up only caters to a particular psychographic (foul mouthed jerks who frequent pubs) and therefore the humour that it inspires from comics who brave the road to hone their craft — — well…that’s not here.
CASEY
Okay…wasn’t that cool? Who knew there’s still stuff to mine from the whole: ‘put butter in your coffee’!?
The patrons applaud.
CASEY
Though it isn’t an open mic today. I’ve brought out a special treat. So call it a mash of a PSA and and introduction. She doesn’t do many gigs (and I managed to get her to say yes, because it would be an excuse to record the performance) but she will be here next week to do two sets: one for the morning crowd — -
Whistles and cheers erupt from one section. LEIGH looks over but there isn’t a look of recognition. Possible future listeners. With a smile she waves and nods.
CASEY
— -and one for late afternoon.
The rest of those present in the cafe politely applaud. CASEY hands over the mic to LEIGH as she comes up the stage.
LEIGH
Jin and Mike, thanks for pitching the idea to Casey.
LEIGH looks over to the tables nearest to the kitchen and locks eyes with JIN (42) and MIKE (38). MIKE is wearing a suit…but not really: the trousers can mimick one since it is black. JIN is in her workout gear. Wearing a cap of The Swans.
JIN
(enough for the whole room)
It was inevitable!
MIKE
(slightly louder)
We got your back!
LEIGH
Before things get serious…I thought I’d give those with kids in tow a chance to zoom off. Manu? You sure you want to stay for this?
MANU nods and pats the shoulder of MAC (8). A number of patrons head off with their kids.
LEIGH
It’s okay Donny. We’ll catch up later.
As tables and chairs empty out, they are soon replaced with onlookers who have decided to see what’s it all about.
LEIGH
I’m eating my words now. Not realising how deadly depression could be.
Murmurs of agreement. These are her people: good listeners and respectful.
LEIGH
I wish it was the same as I treat whatever vehicle I’m responsible for. I mean…I didn’t need convincing that it was necessary to get an oil change every six months (or every 5,000 kilometers). But apparently with my mental health, it took looking over the edge to be open to speaking to a psychologist. And I know what Tom will say to this — —
TOM
I told you so…but I’m not going to say that. Wait…
Soft laughter ripples. LEIGH spots him at a nearby table.
LEIGH
There you are buddy. I thought you sneaked away 20 minutes ago.
TOM shrugs and dunks his tea bag in his cup. LEIGH scans the crowd again.
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With all the essays, tweets, films, and rumblings within the family (a relative passed away due to the disease more than two decades ago)…it really doesn’t prepare an extremely driven person on how deadly and debilitating it is.
Yes, the symptoms probably had been surfacing in the last five years (or even just months after the event that likely caused it). But it’s probably the numbness (which I should have paid attention to) that I attribute to the disease the most. I did not expect that when I was drained of every ounce of mental energy (by any stressful event no matter how small) that I regularly find myself attending a presentation of my options. Ever been in a budget meeting? Or maybe being presented an investment option?
I don’t regret watching all those procedurals and don’t see myself teleported in said presentation whenever there is something of note. So whenever I’m at the end of my tether (I find staying still while my brain tries to get me to make a decision…there are photos, videos, quotes), I surprisingly always say no to any of the options presented to me.
My saving grace? This question: How could it go wrong? Interestingly, the presenter usually has no answer to preventing the stuff that could go wrong (quadriplegia, paraplegia, loss of a limb, loss of sight, loss of a finger, the type of coma in which you’re aware of what’s happening…).
So there’s the drain when confronted with stress, then that next level of clinging to the edge of the cliff while the chorus of: ‘now they’ll understand how serious it is. So…my option: praying for it.
The biggest upside of a natural death (and not something that is ‘seemingly so’), my insurance would pay up and I don’t have to worry about waking up in a psych ward, or incapacitated in some way (I watched that episode of ‘You Can’t Ask That’).
The downside: I still have to face the circle of steps whenever I am blindsided and have no choice but to expend all of my mental energy to survive a situation.
So the saying is true: It does get better. But from someone who has been there multiple times…don’t tell us that. Wait until we have emerged unscathed and tell us what you have found most helpful about what we did for that week. Was that fried chicken extra crispy? Was that miso soup interesting yet something you think you can make yourself too? Did the book we loaned you give you that much needed perspective? Don’t give us that general: ‘You are valuable’ or ‘You are loved’ — — be specific. Even if you feel it sounds too specific. Try it. See us piece ourselves back together faster.
(Okay — — maybe you wouldn’t see the piecing together…but I tell you…it’s happening if done right. And in time…we’ll tell you the exact moment it started happening.)
* Since the whole stand-up thing was fictional (I might be open to that in the future — — but right now, that is not #1 on the list), I thought I’d make up a fictional location (a packed location in the middle of the day that features stand-up comics?) and a cafe name too. It felt a bit odd to write the scenario in that way (being an observer to my own ‘daydream/flash’), but I kept the format because the idea is to transport you into it. As for the people in it…I’ve decided to just make them an amalgamation of the best of my current friends and my hope on how future friends would be.
