(Updated: 28 August 2022)
I’ve put this together to help remind me how to navigate both in-person and online interactions. Not all friendships can keep growing, and normally those fizzle out at some point. But I don’t want to rush that growth and should only remember to cheer when the person is ready to take that next step.
After the experience with The Vocalist and Estranged Old Friend, I realised how different the quality of my friendships are when there is clear intention. It is an easy and simple question: Are she and I inspiring each other to be the best version of ourselves?
Level 1: Conversation Chemistry
It may be something as simple as an exchange at the market when you spot a potential friend and ask what she’s planning on cooking that night. Maybe even at the Blu-Ray section of an Audio Visual retailer and she’s reaching for a copy of ‘Arrival’.
You can find out if she’s an introvert or an extrovert. Does she like writing? Meaning you and her might be able to build on your friendship foundation even if you’re not seeing each other every day or every week? Is she also as privacy conscious as you?
Level 2: Verification
If you’ve met your friend online, and have yet to hang out a cafe together…this may be a more straightforward process. The only thing you have to keep in mind is using a secure messenger that links devices to verification. It’s a much better option compared to just verifying by the username, as it both protects you in case someone else takes over the device. You don’t have to sacrifice your username, or worry that someone else would use that account as well as your verification photos.
Yes, you don’t get an assurance that this person is who she says she is, but it’s basically based on trust. Like everything you end up sharing with her, you are trusting that the person is going to keep the information in confidence. So, tempting as it is to get her to take a selfie with her passport or driver’s license, the goal is to extend that trust, because nothing is full-proof.
Even with a video call, it is now possible to produce ‘deep fakes’. Just like what Malcolm Gladwell mentions in ‘Talking To Strangers’: Society functions on trust. I could see how it could fall apart if everyone were constantly suspecting each person they come across.
IRL is more challenging. So, you can opt to switch to a secure messenger and maybe do the verification as you would have met online. Or, just verify in person. But it still doesn’t really give you anything. What’s this person’s last name? Does she really work as a judge and is visiting New South Wales? In a sense, meeting someone in person is a benefit, as you can hear what she sounds like, and know that you are indeed dealing with a person rather than some sort of sophisticated bot.
Level 3: The Search For Clashes
You can follow a prescribed question list balanced with unstructured chats. The thing with clashes is sometimes it just sneaks up on you. Some ways you can find which ones they are: go through the current news stories on CNN, BBC, or The New York Times. Send it to your friend, and see what she thinks.
Another reason you and I could clash is that you had hurt me deeply and that I needed to take a bit of time to heal from that wound. If this happens, I aim to mention what specifically it is about what you said and why it came across that way. If I haven’t, hopefully me taking enough time to clear the reflex to want to
When there’s a clash, it doesn’t mean that it’s all over. It’s how you tackle those clashes. This is your chance to share a bit of how to help you not see red (if you’re a fiery person like me). Based on having a number of these conversations, I learned that the key is kindness and empathy. Don’t assume. Take time off if you feel like you can’t ask follow-up questions or feel like she isn’t listening.
This is a big challenge when it is a fellow Alpha who isn’t interested in personal growth. One example I’ll look back on is getting to know a woman who was wanting to connect with me but couldn’t let go of her tendency to lecture (I know nothing and she knows everything) and to assume (when I say something apparently there’s a hidden agenda). I get that her behaviour is indicative of trust issues that she isn’t aware of or is not convinced (since Alphas are quite stubborn) is impacting potential connections. I had no choice to walk away because when I expressed vulnerability about needing a bit of time before I could fully be able to interact with her in a way that I hope (with excitement and curiosity), she indignantly clung to the notion that I was wanting her to do her apology in another way.
I’ve learned that it’s necessary to heal properly from a hurt or else the resentment would come out. When I started to do work on myself in this area, I’d notice that I’d want to find ways in which to put down my friend. During the early days, I’d end up actually acting on saying those hurtful words. Rather than sharing that I wanted to lash out because I’m still hurting. In a way, I need to grieve that hurt. It depends on what happened. Maybe I’m grieving for the kind of person I was hoping for and got another person instead? Notice those who couldn’t help but lash out at you, yet who has a history of being a really good friend? Since grief is quite complicated and usually permanent, we usually forget to grieve the little things and if we don’t properly go through the grief cycle (or at least give ourselves room to) we would eventually find ourselves thinking about that one hurt that hadn’t healed. It might be a week later or ten years later. The benefit of grieving is that the hurt eventually dissipates to something we barely think about. If it does, there isn’t that reactive need to bring it up in a hurtful way. Like we’re holding up our friend for ransom.
Thankfully, I’ve been able to carve the kind of Alpha I am based on personal growth. Aiming to only keep the good and purge out the toxic. So, yes, I am able to apologise and recognise when I am wrong. Even then, I am not perfect. There is only so much mental energy I can invest in a particular person and conversation. If early on, they require this much investment, and the clashes are too much?As a result there’s going to be that 20% of what I say she’s going to react badly to? I did consider that even if I say everything right, she’ll probably find something to latch on and rile on about. My gut was also going nuts and telling me that I’ll likely face not being listened to if I kept the conversation going.
There’s a saying somewhere, that it’s not possible to have more than one Alpha in a conversation. I disagree with this. Even if a friend group. All could be Alphas as long as they are mindful of how they are acting. It’s not about having a winner and a loser. It’s a very toxic Alpha trait: wanting to ‘win’ in every conversation. A healthy response would be to treat each conversation as getting to know the other. Of course it’s difficult to put down my armour and say that I’ve been hurt. Since I’m using the armour analogy: to SHOW where I’ve been hurt. How there is an actual wound there that an apology cannot automatically fix. Yes, an apology is a start. The next step would be to support my healing. Hopefully not just recognising the hurt, but also learning from it and taking the steps of making sure it doesn’t happen again. Not the part that we have hurt our friend, that is inevitable. It’s all about making room to be ourselves and respecting the other if a line is crossed. This is why conversational compatibility is important. Sometimes it’s just a brain wiring thing and it would be inevitable that I’ll just take certain comments in certain ways. Maybe it’s an innate clash and no conversation could save it since only one Alpha is interested in taking the time to see the conversation from another perspective.
Level 5: Learning To Chase Each Other
I’m a runner. This means that if something happens (particularly if I feel a bit vulnerable) I will start building walls. I like walls because it makes it easy to get angry at the person who frustrates me. She doesn’t listen? Easy! I walk away! Moving on! That makes sense if she’s actually NOT listening, and I realise that when I unnecessarily build walls, it’s about wanting to unnecessarily pick a fight and self-sabotage.
The downside of purely having a ‘wall-building mindset’ is that I end up missing opportunities to listen. Maybe my friend is just in her head and needs a bit of time to open up. I should give her a couple of days. Even a week. If it’s a lifetime of being friends that’s in our future, surely I can spare a week?
It’s difficult for me to ‘chase’ as I do have that Alpha Self. That part of me who does not beg at all. The part of me that gets absolutely offended when I feel like the person who I am building a friendship with doesn’t see my time as important as hers. So, I have found some sort of compromise: I let out my Fixer Self. She tends to see gaps in communication and spots things that I could have done better. Once I realised that there was something I could have done better, I would step up and take responsibility. Which kind of seems like I’m ‘chasing’ in a way.
You should know how your friend acts when she doesn’t feel heard. Usually this is found out after asking a simple question: “What does it look like when you are really upset?”. Ask what can you do if that happens. Does she have a tendency to have ‘tunnel vision’ like you do, and she needs you to break her out of it?
The good news is, I am less of a runner now, thanks to a big clash with Dog Affectionado. She managed to break out of her own ‘tunnel vision’ and by doing so, she ended up helping me break out of mine. She didn’t realise how hurt I was after she made a comment flippantly. Eventually, she apologised that she just didn’t recognise that it was a poor choice of words.
The challenge with this ‘level’ is you have to be present and be willing to listen first. If your friend has one foot out the door, you maybe have only a few attempts to get her to reconsider. If Dog Affectionado focused on blaming me, and telling me what I could have done better instead of me working that out for myself, I would have RAN out of there FAST.
How did she get me to reconsider? She told me how much she would have wanted to continue building our friendship. Even if she and I frustrate each other, we also are endeared with each other. How I am quite witty and make her laugh. She notes that she doesn’t want someone who’ll only agree with her and I have a unique view of the world. There was not manipulation and wanting me to feel guilty and reconsider. It was pure earnestness. To me, that is a quality I’m very drawn to.
You’ve probably heard of the saying that it’s not about keeping score. It’s about supporting each other. Sometimes this means allowing the person to walk away but not being scared to tell that person how much she means to you.
Level 7: Regular Belly-Laughs
It’s not just asking if she can make me laugh (or vice-versa). It’s actually those moments when you are just bowled over by each-other’s sense of humour.
I feel like this section is largely going to be dedicated to the friendship between Handwriting Analyst and myself. Maybe just because she’s just the most recent person who’s made me laugh? I’m guessing it’s that. There’s no doubt that each of the people in my Advisory Committee can make me laugh and I’m sure there would be more opportunities to give each of them a nod.
The reason this is so important, is I realised that conversations need a bit of balance. The serious and the cheeky. I think you’ll know when your friend has the capacity to make you REALLY laugh when you’re thinking of replies to what you’ve talked about and find yourself leaning over from laughter. Alone! By Yourself!
Humour can actually be a form of vulnerability. If you’re able to Take The Piss out of yourself…or each other, then chances are there would be a possibility of more openness in the next topic. I’m not saying make yourself a target. Certainly let your friend know when she has offended you. There have been times that Handwriting Analyst admits to have being nervous about a specific jab she did. When it happened, I thought: “Wow! That’s bold!”. But I wasn’t upset, because I only saw it as her trying to find where the line is for me. I did eventually tell her how amused I was with the jab and assures her that I wasn’t upset.
Knowing how to fix things whenever you cross the line is important. Which is why Clashes (Level 3) and Chasing (Level 5) are from previous levels. I definitely crossed the line, but not in an offensive way. We discussed that she isn’t cool with the scenario or the humour surrounding it, so I’ve recognised it and taken note of it for next time.
Level 8: Gifts
Is she a birthday person? Usually when you get to middle age, the number doesn’t really register anymore. I’m not sure what age I was when I stopped paying attention to how old I was that year. I’m guessing during my early thirties.
One thing I don’t do automatically is ask my friend if it’s okay if I foot our bill. It’s something I wished I had done with The Vocalist. Just a check if she’d be okay with it.
If you’ve read Haley Cass’ ‘When You Least Expect It’, you’re likely also thinking of that moment when Caroline Parker automatically paid for the tickets of Hannah Dalton and her daughter during a visit to the zoo. You might be also thinking of when Caroline takes Abbie shopping for clothes for school and sports related activities. In both those instances, Caroline struggled to understand why Hannah was upset.
I also struggle to understand why someone would be upset if I stepped in and paid any sort of bill. Maybe it could be brunch, watching a film that she and I had been looking forward to, or maybe heading to a weekend of open air concerts. What I realised after reading those exchanges between Caroline and Hannah was the fact that Caroline went ahead and paid in both those instances without asking Hannah. To Hannah, Caroline paying for anything communicates that Hannah isn’t able to take care of herself. This is especially important as Hannah was in the process of finding her feet after finally separating from a controlling man. Being able to take care of herself and her daughter is important to Hannah.
Like with lots of things between you and your friend, it’s something best to be discussed even before it happens. Are you meeting with her for breakfast tomorrow? Best check with her how she would feel if you paid for both of you. For me, I’d love to be paid for and that’s why in the past I had not given a second thought of doing that for another person. I recognise that it’s a gift and rather than argue that I pay for our bill, I should smile as warmly as I can and thank her.
If there’s a business link between the two of you, then sometimes it’s no question who pays because it’s likely going to be tax deductible anyway.
Level 10: Worse Case Scenarios
Handwriting Analyst actually brought this up with me when I told her about a thought. What was it? As we were being vulnerable with each other, I candidly shared that I thought that she and I would be perfect for each other. Of course I made sure to add: “But we are also NOT perfect for each other.”.
I was referring to the personal development she needed done (which she recognises, so we didn’t have an ‘all-out’ fight over that tidbit). She however, mentioned that it’s good that we actually are taking our time to be friends as jumping in to something that’s more than that would likely put significant pressure on the both of us. She knows ‘rushing’ is going to be an issue because she has done it in the past and has scars for doing so.
One of the things she mentioned was looking at the worst case scenarios. I have yet to figure out how to approach this, because if we each share our worst case scenario, it might be difficult to build trust around it. In a way, it’s good. Because she and I would be sharing our fears. I just worry that this would result in making promises. The last thing I want to do is making promises. Because in life, nothing is concrete.
So, maybe the way forward would just be to approach it in a vulnerable way. She and I had been discussing how we all see the person we come to care about three ways: The Ideal Person, The Actual Person, and The Nefarious Person. There’s the person we wish our friend could be, the person who she actually is, then the worst version of her.
You know how when you start a conversation with someone new, their response tells a good deal about them? On one hand, you might get an earnest person, very open and willing to have a conversation. Sometimes though, you might get someone who initially seems to be asking in their head (because you can see it in their eyes!) all sorts of ways you are going to take advantage of them. So, I think there’s that fear in every friendship. That question: “Is it just a matter of time when this person would betray me?”
Level 12: Advocating Self-Care
When you find someone who just gets you that ‘high’ is amazing. Usually we think of it in the context of searching for a Life Partner. What we forget is that it also happens between friends. That ‘high’ is dependent on the kind of depth you are able to nurture within the friendship so far. I can confirm that if conversations are filled with epiphanies, you’ll also want more and more of it.
It’s a healthy way of getting that shot of dopamine. Just like what Osher Günsberg mentions when he spoke to Melanie Bracewell and Tim McDonald in Season 1 Episode 10 of ‘The Cheap Seats’.
However, it is also important to make sure you spend time away from each other. Not just so you and her could learn to really ‘miss’ each other, but more of allowing the space for the mental clutter to fall away. This means that next time you hang out it’s less of wanting to fill on the silences and more wanting to cherish that time as it is not something that is readily available. I know for me it’s particularly challenging, because it’s like stopping the momentum.
Slowing down is particularly a challenge for someone like me who is not just a natural Alpha but quite driven in wanting to get as much of my to-do list sorted out as much as possible. But if I don’t allow for self-care, I may as well sign my death warrant.
There’s a really good piece by Aletheia Luna on Loner Wolf which I find myself regularly referring to.
Level 15: Cooking For Each Other
What’s the difference between this one and Level 35 (going on a road trip)? Technically you don’t spend a significant amount of time just being together.
Of course I’d recommend an in-person cooking session! Not just letting her enjoy the meal, it’s also hanging out in your (or her) kitchen! Sure, maybe your friend isn’t much of a keen cook as you, so it might be a chance to pop in a film you think she might enjoy as you prepare the dishes.
So, if you live in different cities. It’s an absolute excuse to log some miles (maybe you’ve just purchased a new vehicle and it is still under manufacturer’s warranty!). What if it requires at least a 5 hour plane ride? You can meet halfway. Maybe even out of the way! Heading to Cardiff or Toronto!
In a way, this is actually a potential sleepover. After the meal, kind of do a movie marathon. Bond more as the popcorn cooks. Maybe even bake bread together.
Level 35: Road Trips
Plural. That is not a typo. One road trip is nice. Multiple ones really help a friendship blossom more. Go for one that is just the two of you. Then maybe later do one with other friends.
This is a big one, because you and her should be in a place where you’re fully-comfortable with each other. Meaning you’re not worried about thinking of conversation points (though I would likely make a couple of notes on what to bring up so I wouldn’t use up a lot of my mental energy). If you’ve never had the ‘fart and poops’ conversation, this could be the best time to do it. If you both are the sort who just enjoy that sort of humour, hurrah! But if it’s only one (or none) of you, then talking about the boundaries in terms of comfort levels. I understand that for some people, they struggle with being comfortable talking about bodily functions and might prefer to use the toilet without anyone else in the room or need air freshener handy just in case gassiness happens.
So, however long it may take to get here it’ll be worth it. That’s one regret I had with both The Vocalist and Estranged Old Friend. I could have taken road trips with them. I took one with Estranged Old Friend but none with The Vocalist. Maybe not at the same time, but at least two each. My hope would be that it would have been at least 10 each. Could it have saved the friendship? I don’t know.
Level 40: Childhood
I realised that I actually volunteer information based on the question. It’s like one topic is attached to another and another. Like there’s this invisible string that I can’t help give context to the rest.
For some, childhood is great! You might find that this is something you keep talking about in every conversation. Even someone you’ve just met! Others take awhile in opening up. Trauma may be the cause for some, and others it’s just the possible loss (parents recently died).
Level 50: Meeting Friends And Family
I know this sounds like a bit like you’re going to marry your friend. It kind of is, because this is the part where you tell her: I pick you. You are my family. Though I know it would be kind of weird if you do end up falling for each other years down the track, because you’re marrying your family.
Have you tried getting all your friends in one place? I know it’ll be a challenge for me. But I think the idea is at least make them meet the members of your family one at the time. Maybe it’s something to integrate with a road trip (Level 35). By this time, I hope your family and other friends have heard about your friend, so when it’s time for her to face each of them, they already know the warm person you’ve come to care about.
Level 60: Celebration Of Life Achievements
If you were walking along the red carpet to receive your first Oscar. Where would your friends be? Would they be also in Los Angeles? Maybe one of them might be your Plus One?
I like how Lawrence Kasdan recognised the presence of his friends when he gave a commencement speech in May 1990 at the University of Michigan. I actually did not realise who he was (The ‘Star Wars’ Guy) then, as I was just watching commencement speakers (likely to find inspiration). Oddly, this is what I’ll remember him for, rather than his screenwriting credits. It’s only now that I had a chance to read the transcript of his speech, and maybe it’s because I haven’t watched it for awhile but I feel like reading it added another layer.
Yes, his friends were there. But I didn’t know that they were not there during their own commencement ceremony. Lawrence also was not present. Was it like renewing vows for longtime spouses? I think in a way, that’s how I feel about friendship now: more intentional. Compared to before, where I was just going with whoever I cross paths with. I didn’t really end connections or go out of my way to start them. I do imagine sometimes if I time travelled and went back to 8-year-old me…or maybe even 15-year-old me. The former would probably be weird as the adults around me would be perplexed by the sudden change in how I spoke.
During that time, 15-year-old me wasn’t thinking about personal development or ‘friendship learnings’. She was likely living in the moment. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. Did you just turn to your 15-year-old who’s vegging on the lounge binging episodes of ‘Never Have I Ever’? Kind of like that. Though hopefully more active.
In his speech, Lawrence mentioned about noise. How everything is just noise because we should be listening to our heart. I think in a way, that’s how friends are. They are the people who speak the voice of our heart. This is how we find them: keeping still and letting our hearts speak. I also believe this is how we keep our friends. When something is amiss, our hearts speak the loudest.
Level 70: True Vulnerability
With an Alpha Self comes Alpha Armour. If you’re a fellow Alpha, you’re probably nodding your head right now. It doesn’t mean that if you show your Alpha Self you’re also ‘armoured up’ like a gladiator. And with Alphas, it generally is vulnerability.
You’re not likely going to come across a natural Alpha breaking down in front of you. We struggle with showing weakness. I know allowing yourself to be vulnerable around someone you have immense trust in, is a brave thing to do, and there have been times I have allowed myself to be that vulnerable.
While you might not have Alpha Armour on you at the moment, you do have some form of it. It would be one of the biggest decisions in your life to decide who to take off that armour for. The reason that it’s not widely accepted in society that we take off our respective armours for friends who have managed to scale to the highest echelons of trust, is that there is a chance of failure. We can be rejected. While in the past I might have needed the right person to navigate me through the process, I hope that I’m much more wiser than that past version of me.
If it’s difficult for you to do it in-person, opt for chatting via secure messenger. I know if I get really weepy and tears start flowing down, it’ll be difficult to talk. The last time I allowed myself to open up, I did it in writing. It still was difficult to do, but I think, ultimately, more manageable. I can sniffle while I type in and read responses. The upside of doing it in person, is that you can get one of the most awesome hugs possible from your friend. I could barely think of anything more powerful that just allowing myself to be comforted by someone I trust. Hopefully one day I’ll find her and my fingers are crossed that when the time comes that I need to just let go for 20 minutes, I’ll be able to surrender to the comfort.
Level 80: Emergency Contact
Because of the popularity of adopting other people as someone who we’ll likely be connected for life, it isn’t surprising that at one point, you might decide to put in your friend (is she technically your ‘bestie’ now?) as the first person to contact in case things go wrong.
I know it’s a big discussion. But if you’re open to have your friend written in those blanks on those sheets of paper, that is a major step forward.
Level 85: Housemates
You could argue that this should be in the lower levels, as being housemates is a way to get to know someone. My argument: ask former housemates who moved in together and couldn’t move out fast enough. It’s a bit like the lottery: you’re really not sure if someone you move in with is someone you could live with unless you have a significant amount of history together.
The members of my Advisory Committee who identify as WLW would probably point out if I end up living with a friend who has managed to get this far in my Friend Filter, then she would probably be My Exception. By this point she and I should consider if we are each other’s Life Partners. Sure. Okay. I give that to you Advisory Committee. But! That shouldn’t be an automatic assumption! A friend can get this far and still be just a friend! Because my Spouse Filter isn’t the same as my Friend Filter!
What your friend can do, if she reaches this level, is to give your future spouse a heads up! As only housemates can really give that sort of perspective because there are things that you don’t find out about each other until you’re living together. Does your friend notice that you take ages to do a deep clean of the fridge? Have a hatred for washing the dishes? Love to commandeer the remote?
You might experience these ‘levels’ in different ways. Maybe you actually start as an emergency contact (which quickly sorts out the verification side of things), or maybe you meet each other during a road trip (and even amusingly share a bed together). What is Level 100? I think mine is a mystery as well. Initially, I thought that none of my friends (past or present) reached Level 80, but I realised that Estranged Old Friend might have had. Though it was likely my name she put in as her emergency contact. Another thing? I remembered that she and I were housemates for a period of time. It was less than three months in total, which is probably why it didn’t really feel like it counted. The Vocalist almost reached Level 80, but she didn’t make it as she took herself out of the running. I know! I was devastated too! But that is how friendships work, you only could be present with each other. People change, circumstances change.
Previous to starting my Friend Funnel, I had thought I had been a good friend. Maybe now I’m not just looking for ‘good’ (Level 2). I think I’m now yearning for ‘great’ (Level 85). Not just hitting those milestones but actually making sure her and I spend quality time on each level. The biggest issue with my friendships with The Vocalist and Estranged Old Friend was I didn’t really allow myself to be really seen even both of them were literally in my life. Proximity really doesn’t mean anything unless it’s coupled with true vulnerability.
If I would implore you as to the usage of this guide: please avoid jumping to Level 80! I mean, I get that you would want to do a Smartcut! But if you can take things easy, the payoff would be well worth it. Wouldn’t you want to filter this human properly? Just to be sure? Because you can learn a lot about someone when it’s just you, her, and a cup of Earl Gray.
For a boatload of quotes (and some of my thoughts) about friendships, you can dive in here.
PS: What are your essential Friend Levels? Are there ones that I should have highlighted in mine?
Drop me a line here or comment below! :)
