I’m constantly surprised how much parents think that it’s an equal give-and-take once that little person arrives in their lives. So to protect the guilty, I will roll up everything I’ve learned from those who have shared their stories with me anonymously and my journey as a ‘Sibling Parent’.
1.) You regularly make the first step towards reconciliation
If you need to recuperate for a week…a month. But…don’t ever wait for your child to come groveling. Did they just misunderstand you? Or were you being a jerk and you don’t want to admit it to them? It doesn’t matter if they’re 5, 25, or 50.
The key is figuring out which part of the disagreement you can take responsibility for. If you’re not that enlightened yet, that exercise can bring you a little bit closer to your best self.
2.) Learning to love unconditionally comes from you…
There’s the typical mantra of the helicopter parent: ‘I don’t think I can accept you if you choose that path’. One way to get around the ease in which to slip in that thinking (because we have more experience than them right? I mean you’ve seen stuff!!!! Wouldn’t they want to be spared that?) is to think of your kids as your cabinet members. Would you just want carbon copies of you helping you run a country?
3.) …that goes with personal development as well
If you learn to change, chances are they would expect change as part of growth. As part of their journey as a change-maker, respectful rebel…(what other terms could be fitting?)
Do you still find yourself drawn to the same people in your circle? Is it still the same show that you look forward to going for a marathon for the nth time?
4.) Giving them their space when they need it
Remember the goal is not to glorify you. It’s to help them become responsible adults (and it would likely look different). Whether it’s to move out, move back, then out again…just take opportunities to talk it out and learn about them during that stage in their life.
5.) Understanding that accepting your knowledge is up to them
Are you a pianist that doesn’t perform anymore and for ages you’ve felt that it’s going to be weird being a mentor to your daughter? Just make the offer. Then keep asking, specifically. One way to do that is: ‘Would you like to spend an hour on the piano?’ then just build up your lessons.
If it’s a general thing…you can pick a film to watch. Then ask what they thought about it. The upside of being able to watch it in a private environment, is you can pause or return to a section as needed.
6.) You have to be relentless in finding a way to have deeper conversations
Does your 30 year old son like Game of Thrones…and you just couldn’t bring yourself to watch it? You don’t have to…if you really couldn’t take it. Though maybe you can have him put episodes that he has already watched next time you fly to his city and visit him.
If you’re not into the whole graphic imagery. You can just ask questions about the story in bits and pieces. Last recourse: email him links to collectibles and see what he thinks.
The point of the whole thing is finding an ‘in’ towards a deeper conversation.
If I had the kind of influence that would be able to implement ‘parent licenses’ to all of earth’s inhabitants. I will.
But then again I’m reminded of those who haven’t had dysfunctional (even infinitesimally) upbringings (as Matt Sobel shares while talking about his film ‘Take Me To The River’ — — note: I’d classify some of the contents MA, some strong language and adult themes), and dictating who could be parents or not (even how unplanned) could change the face of humanity once again.
“We did talk about…exactly what’s going on inside a 17-year-old’s mind. And about this, sort of…a precarious position that a 17-year-old would come where he or she thinks that they know a lot. But they haven’t really begun to know anything. And that certainly what I was like, when I was seventeen. And I had like a really…ridiculously….undramatic upbringing. And no life experience really.” — Matt Sobel
Want more of something and less of another? I’d be keen to hear what you think! Just shoot me a message. :)
