(Updated: 14 July 2022)
I was thinking about which name to use and I don’t think I’ve come across a female Tim. So, in celebration of ‘The Man Who Fell to Earth’ who names its protagonist Justin (played by Naomie Harris), I will imagine My Exception might have a name that is usually attributed to men.
#1 — Indoor Plants Are Better Than Flower Bouquets
There’s a scenario where I imagine myself standing somewhere on Martin Place with a bouquet of flowers. Not for someone in particular. Just a test to see who would be brave enough to approach me. Maybe someone who might catch my eye and smile.
If I end up meeting My Exception in this way, I’ll want it to be some sort of succulent that I hand over.
#2 — Bring Your Most Unfiltered Self
The only way she and I would be able to continually bond with each other is honesty. From our worries to our joys. Navigating stinky farts. Loud farts. A clogged toilet due to a monster poo.
So, with you? I know it’s scary to find out where the line is during this in-between time or even years into our marriage. But I need you to be you. I need you not to be scared of losing me. Because if you lose me over…whatever it is you did…or said…then…I’ll be just that person who was keeping you from the right person you’re supposed to end up with.
You and I will manage that because we’ll be constantly communicating. That we’ll get to a point that there wouldn’t be hesitation on what to ask. There wouldn’t be anything to small for you to want to shrug off and anything too big to want to procrastinate bringing up.
#3 — Paying Attention To The Things I Love
There’s this scenario I thought I shared with Destiny Gamer about My Exception. But searching through our conversation threads, I couldn’t seem to find the right keyword. I tried ‘Felicity’ or even ‘Scott Speedman’. I couldn’t find it. Even Handwriting Analysts didn’t have it. So odd.
I attempted re-creating it…but ended up with something slightly different:
I’m in the lounge room, re-watching an episode of ‘Felicity’. She enters with some microwave popcorn and takes a seat next to me offering some.
I accept but am glued to the screen.
Me: Thanks, E.
Her: Is this the episode when Elena kicks Richard in the face?
Me: Mmmm?
Her: Or the one where Ben and Noel make out?
[I turn to her and look at her weirdly]
Me: What!?
Her: Why not just have Ben and Noel get together?
Me: That sounds more like a spin-off.
Her: Then Felicity could be like one of those cool single women.
Me: Are you saying that you want to be one?
Her: Um…it’s kind of too late.
Me: Is it?
Her: Yeah…I mean…I’m married. So…
Me: There’s paperwork…but you can still back out of the marriage.
Her: No thanks.
Me: Are you sure? I don’t think it’s too late.
Her: Nah. It’s definitely too late.
Me: Um….is it a finance thing? Like…it would be difficult to untangle your assets?
Her: It’s more…I think I’m going to be in love with her for a long time. Maybe even forever.
Me: Wow…your wife is…isn’t she…a bit…scared of your intensity? Forever is a long time.
[She shrugs]
Her: It’s just a theory. It’s just — -her fascination with Scott Speedman…I just don’t get it.
Me: I am not FACINATED with Scott Speedman!
Her: E, if he were here…looking at you all earnest. With his eyes….wait…what colour are they — -
Me: THIS IS A TRAP!!!!
I know it’s likely that certain men will turn my head…until my deathbed. I kind of dig that she wouldn’t be jealous at all. Maybe she will, in her own cheeky way. But it won’t be the kind that is toxic.
Of course it could possibly mean that she’ll be buying all sorts of Scott Speedman merch — which I don’t think exists — — and delightfully parade it around. I’m not even going to be surprised to one day find a ‘shrine’ dedicated to him which she has made for me. I could only imagine her laughing as she stands by the kitchen counter as she makes herself a cup of tea…cracking up as I yell from our bedroom: “WHAT THE HELL, E!?”
#4 — Spending A Quiet Day Together
I’d like to just hang out at a cafe. People watch. No pressure to talk (but of course knowing us, we would likely chat…a bit…as we relish every minute together). Maybe I get to watch you…and you get to watch me too.
#5 — Let Me Watch You Cook Risotto
I don’t know what it is about risotto that fascinates me. Maybe because it’s something that isn’t instantly easy to do? I myself haven’t perfected a version of it. Maybe watching you do it…makes me hope one day I might?
Though I feel like it’s more the labour intensive side of it. The regular stirring. Which means I can watch and appreciate you while you focus on our food.
#6 — Offer Me A Hug
It would be even better if this was during a heated argument. Maybe not while I’m building walls. Maybe when you’ve asked and confirmed what I’m upset about. Then ask the bridge building question: “Can I hug you?”
Yes, this is much better than: “Would you like a hug?” Because with the latter, it’s asking if I feel weak and need consoling. If you do that, you’ll risk me donning my Alpha Armour. The former comes across as infinitely warmer. It’s like you want to be consoled but more importantly you want to reconnect.
#7 — Take Me Supermarket Shopping
Maybe I can take you too! Though just you taking me through your weekly shop would be fascinating.
#8 — Doing Errands Together
If we’re not already married, I’d like to see you in the most mundane setting. Also, it’s kind of a trust exercise. We won’t be doing this if you’re not really wanting me in your life (or had something you weren’t ready to share with me yet).
#9 — Update Me On New Foods You’ve Tried
Maybe there might even be a specific ingredient or dish that we both haven’t tried. A trip to the market perhaps?
#10 — Lengthy Good Morning Messages
There’s a thread about the usefulness or dangers of sending a message dependent on the time of day. I’m a fan as long as it’s followed by a thought trail. Maybe what’s for breakfast. Brain downloads are the usual when we were friends, I’m hoping they would continue as we find out if we are each other’s Life Partner.
For me, in tugging one discussion point I end up pulling other discussion points with it. And my conversation partner ends up with an armload of information about me. Because everything is connected.
#11 — Figuring Out How Much ‘Us’ Time We Need.
In #6 of my Spouse Search piece I mention my independence. While it is important to me, I don’t want you to feel like you need to give as much of it (though I think I’d be appreciative). Part of having a fiery side is having this intense yearning for connection. Combine that with me being driven and wanting to make the most out of each minute, then it does make sense that I would want to spend as much time with you as I can.
This has to do with me being accepting that life is fragile. Anything could change. So, if I can invest an hour of writing to you, I will. That extra 30 minutes on a voice call? Absolutely! I don’t want to be crumpled in a heap knowing that you died when there were instances when I could have just given a bit more of my time to you.
Yeah, me thinking about you dying is dark, but I have to accept that possibility. That you might pass before I do. Maybe I wouldn’t even get a chance to truly find out that you were My Exception (God! That would be so painful!). If I don’t embrace that darkness, I’ll end up wanting to request things of you so I wouldn’t worry. It’s the last thing I want, because that’ll end up unleashing my controlling side, which I do not want EVER to indulge.
I do respond to people who also have that intense side to them. That want to connect. So, if you end up having this really laid back side of yourself that comes out as we navigate the period between friends and lovers (no it’s not ‘Friends With Benefits’), I would struggle to connect with you as I’d likely feel like you didn’t desire me.
Could we do the almost impossible? I feel this is something quite challenging, because you might need to engage your own (secret?) Alpha side and find a way to gently nudge me towards getting my ‘to-do’ list done. Being someone prone to ‘brain downloads’, I’d want to shoot you something when I think of you, or maybe something I wanted to talk about.
I’ll appreciate you more if you are able to flag those times we need apart. The times we need to miss each other. Learning to self-soothe. Maybe even being able to exercise our self-control muscle. I mean, this is why I’d like to have been retired before even deciding to be open to considering that you’re her. But…again…that’s not how life works doesn’t it. And…sometimes we just have to roll with what it flings at us. In my case? It flung me…you.
#12–7 Minute Stares
I think, it might be one of those things that you and I have already done. Not sure why I get the feeling we have. But if we haven’t? I’d be appreciative if you do bring it up.
Is it possible to have a really connected relationship without having done it? I doubt it.
(Don’t worry…I’m already carving time in front of the mirror for a bit of a self-love exercise. Not just me loving what I see. But knowing that you’ll be looking into my eyes when we do that exercise.)
#13 — Helping Me Understand Your ‘Fighting Style’
Okay. It’s no secret that you and I will fight. Hopefully us being friends for at least a year (I have my fingers crossed for more than that) would have both of us understanding how to sort out arguments.
There is a chance though that once we cross the ‘I think I’d struggle to want to live my life without you’ line…that our disagreements would have more riding on them, especially if we are each other’s ‘home’ by that point.
I’ll be totally scared to lose you, because of all that invested. Yeah, it could still point to the fact that we are not the right people for each other. But what if we are? What if you are her? My Exception? That’s going to be big news. Not only a confirmation that you do exist, but how much I’d be devastated if things don’t work out between us.
If you’re also a regular listener of ‘We Can Do Hard Things’, you might be able to help me which episode it was when Glennon Doyle mentions that even if she loses Abby Wambach, she’ll be okay. Not in terms of Abby dying, but more if their marriage doesn’t work out. I think I quite like that perspective: That even the most precious thing might not work out. Make no mistake, I’ll probably be totally in love with you at this point (hopefully past the ‘love intoxication stage’) and there’s a part of my brain that would be working overtime to make sure that it fixes the things it can to make sure you and I have as much chance of making it.
Knowing that you or I need to recharge before sitting down to discuss a recurring issue. Maybe even the root of all (if not most) of our clashes. Why little things explode and we couldn’t understand why. It could be down to us needing to take ‘individual dates’. No, not…take time off our merraige and separate. But, just embracing Alonement. Maybe you’ve been wanting to see that independent film you know I might not be keen on because of the amount of graphic scenes in it. We should be able to miss each other. Maybe this could be a chance to find how we can easily miss each other, and instead of using that as a reason to spend MORE time together…it’ll be a reason to just hang out with ourselves. Then when the time comes, jump in each others arms and tell the other about it.
#14 — Fuss Over Me
I’m still working out how much affection I’d be open to receive in public. Initially…I thought it was because you’re a woman…that I’d be a bit reluctant. Then I was reminded that it wouldn’t actually be any different if I ended up with a man (or if a man managed to impress me enough to be open to reconsider having a relationship with one). I think…it’s just me being private.
But at the same time. I FREAKING want the WORLD to know how much I am so in love with you. Which makes me want you to fuss over me. Yes, the WHOLE package. Adjusting my shirt? Dabbing a serviette to get rid of some Kewpie Mayonnaise that ended up my chin? There’s a scene in Season 9 of ‘Married At First Sight’ when Anthony Cincotta is ready with chopped up fruit to feed his partner. While others might think this is a Compulsive Heterosexuality example, I think it’s more of Anthony expressing his nurturing side. It does dismay me whenever I am reminded that there are people who intentionally shun one side (either their masculine or feminine side), it did churn the anger that society still feels like it’s wrong to have feminine presenting men. That if a cis man is choosing to present himself in that way…then it means he automatically does not fancy women. Maybe one day I’ll understand why Drew Magary has this specific view on how he should act…and hope that it’s no coincidence that he has a daughter so he could be more open to accept that being in touch with stereotypically feminine traits (like doing an ‘ugly cry’) doesn’t make him less than a man.
Though I will not expect you to spoon feed me during the entirety of our marriage. Those times that you do…I’d definitely relish them. Don’t be surprised that next time you stand near enough while I’m enjoying a Dark Rye Truffle Salami Cheese Toastie that I might offer you a bite without you needing to ask.
Maybe not to the point of pulling a chair for me (I know…this is…I still have to figure out why I’m okay having a man do that for me…but not a woman). Could it be CompHet rearing its ugly head within me?
#15 — Encouraging Me To Nurture My Friendships
Just like it’s important for us to make sure that our finances are decent (#7 in my Spouse Search piece) just in case we don’t work out, it’s also important that you and I have a good support network if the other isn’t around anymore. While it’s good to have mutual friends, it’s also essential to have separate ones. I’d like to be able to start new friendships after you and I find each other, and would hope that you also make the time to do so.
Is five a good number to aim for? I’ve learned that it’s good to have as many (I think 10–15 is a good number) friends as possible as it spreads the pressure on having to rely on multiple people compared to just one or two.
As I fall deeper and deeper in love with My Exception, I’d like to make it easy to help me see her. That she’s the person I’ve been waiting for but unsure if she exists. A reader has asked me once if My Exception has no flaws. Well, if she is, then she isn’t My Exception. Everyone has flaws and if she claims to be My Exception yet exhibit no flaws, no other things she and I need to work on to create a sturdy foundation for our marriage? Then I would be the one to walk away first as that person has not done enough work on herself.
‘Perfect for me’ doesn’t mean ‘no flaws’, it just means that she is the person who can go the distance with me. Laughing and maybe even cheekily bickering as we navigate our life together. Glimpses of her have popped up in other people and my puddle of a romantic heart wonders if all roads lead to her all along.
I could imagine Handwriting Analyst giving this piece a standing ovation as she also is a fellow romantic and had mentioned that if someone had this sort of proof that they’d been waiting for her? That this person appreciated the little things (like sock stealing) that she enjoyed doing? She’d be like: “Yep. I’m all yours.” Heart eyes and all.
For a boatload of quotes (and some of my thoughts) about falling in love, you can dive in here.
PS: How would you guide the love of your life in making sure that getting to know each other goes as smoothly as possible?
Drop me a line here or comment below! :)
