It’s no secret. Friends can fall in love with each other. Sometimes it works out seamlessly, but sometimes it can result in a fall-out.
It seems like 2021 was my year to be introduced to Women Loving Women (WLW) communities. Some of them are on Reddit where anonymity is the default and some are scattered in various niches (like listeners of Glennon Doyle’s podcast ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ or on Tumblr). I think if you’re looking for more of your people who are ‘WLW leaning’, it’s best to focus on the person rather than the community. Just think of your favourite film! Would all the people who loved it be a good fit to be a friend? Certainly not! I learned this (with immense sadness) when connecting with a gentleman who seemed to have immense love towards Ben Stiller’s ‘The Secret Life of Walter Mitty’. Turns out he was not someone who had a similar wavelength as I.
I’ve had to distance myself from someone who has a skewed view of members of the Alphabet Mafia. She is somehow clinging to a view that only people with certain ‘looks’ can identify as queer. That’s like saying there’s a ‘look’ to being a drummer. Yes, you can be more obvious (I personally have a shirt that ‘outs’ me as a drummer, but I don’t display it and it usually stays hidden under a hoodie or a vest when I wear it), as a lot of gay women have been doing so the woman of their dreams could easily identify them in public.
Based on my experience with Estranged Old Friend, I started building up my WLW contacts and am very lucky to have 5 (fingers crossed more will come so availability could be distributed!) who have been very kind and generous with their time as well as their amusement (as I recount things I have never noticed before) while improving my knowledge as an ally. It’s been a big bonus as I also navigate being a budding feminist (I’m not sure yet what label to embrace as this one…does also have its pitfalls), while building lifelong friendships with each of them.
I have a tendency to have ‘tunnel vision’, which has affected my connections and especially friendships. But sometimes it is also because I lack the kind of information (or the personal growth) to be the best friend I possible could. If I was in the first week (or maybe even the first day) of a friendship, I would want to ask my new friend how we would manage boundaries between us. And that includes falling for each other. It’s going to be a difficult discussion, and possibly uncomfortable as you might find yourselves asking questions like “Are you attracted to me?”, “How would you like me to feel if you said something flirty?, or even “Would you like to say something flirty to me now if I wouldn’t get upset?”.
This is not just in terms of how often would it be appropriate to catch-up or how paying for the other (as some people really show their care by picking up the bill at brunch!) would come into play when it comes to independence. It’s about what happens when trust builds up and suddenly two years have passed and you feel like you’ve found your soulmate. But does it mean ‘soulmate’ in a friendship sense? Or is there more?
If you haven’t had the conversation about the possibility of falling for each other, then you might notice your friend pulling away. As your friend might think that you wouldn’t be open to her falling for you. Worse, your friend might think that you would be disgusted with the thought that she would want to pursue something with you. Maybe even if you were open to be pursued by a woman, it doesn’t mean that she would be your type. So, she’s locked herself into the idea that what she has to do is get over you, because you are friends, and she doesn’t want to risk your friendship if she confesses her feelings for you.
Dog Affectionado (one of my 5), is a masculine presenting woman. She shares with me that she struggles to form friendships with women (specially ‘straight leaning ones’ such as myself) as they get confused. I wonder if it is based on just being masculine presenting, and it somehow links to the heteronomative belief that men (who only see themselves ending up with women) and women (who are likely to marry men) can’t be friends?
She is married. This makes it much easier for me to not worry about us developing feelings for each other (because…again things change and attraction is a fluid thing) and instead just focusing on getting to know each other more and learning to dust ourselves off when there’s a clash (which I would like to happen very early on, as it teaches friends to sort out conflict in a healthy way) that happens. There’s also the fact that my brain will likely put little sticky notes on her that says: ‘She is a friend!’. Then my ‘tunnel vision’ can function in the most positive way!
Does it make it easier or more difficult that Dog Affectionado is married to a woman? I’d like to say, no. But I can’t ignore the female layer of things. That’s just me, because of my experience (a number of them horrible) with judgemental women. So, I’ve already painted this woman (the wife) as someone who would be likely judgemental. Pair that with her being a WLW, then that’s yet another layer (is that the second?) that I need to tackle.
I think my point is: every friend dynamic has its own complications. I’ve had to endure communication ending with a wonderful woman who was very nervous in starting a conversation with me, because inherently, women make her nervous. She was very worried that she would end up falling for me. Now, I dropped the ball on that one and could have been more sensitive (which I am continually working on), as I had misinterpreted her sharing her worries (falling for me) as a suspicion. So, that basically left me thinking that she had the impression that it was my goal to get her to fall for me and ruin her marriage. I later was hit with the epiphany that she was just sharing what she thinks would be a challenge for her as we get to know each other. It was something she had to work out herself, and just wanted to let me know what she was going through.
What makes her unique compared to all the other ‘missed friendships’? Well…I haven’t really been complimented on what I used to wear when I was 15. My outfit was basically close to what rappers wore: baggy shirts and pants. I didn’t have the jewellery though. So, it was basically the kind of clothes an adolescent would wear as an answer to what the world wanted her to (dresses…or more fitted tops, which once…my friends had succeeded in letting me wear…and…they were very amused how chatty I was). I look back with amusement why I ended up with that specific outfit as I was not really a big listener of rap (and still not!). When I shared this tidbit to her, she mentioned that she would have admired my outfit.
Really! I guess that gives you an idea of how free (I didn’t have much issue from my parents regarding my clothing choices) and still shackled (I’d be flattered to hear admiration decades later) my sense of self is. There was also a likelihood that I didn’t really want to follow what the media was considering ‘beautiful’ as it would likely get me attention from the wrong kind of men. I think with the anger leaving (as I moved on from adolescence), I also shed the baggy-ness, and I guess my look now is: ‘comfort frump’ (skinny jeans paired with all sorts of tops). Maybe a better term would be: ‘practical dresser’?
It doesn’t matter if you could NEVER see yourself married to a woman. This conversation is to make sure that open communication is happening between the two of you. I might never be able to get past it based on the likely Compulsive Heterosexuality programming that I have been receiving for at least 30 years. Maybe even because having a life partner doesn’t sit high on my ‘to-do’ list (even if some days…I wish I had a spouse to just ‘do life’ with). But at least I am willing to have the conversation with a woman who is interested in pursuing me (or a friend who has ‘caught feelings’). Since I don’t have a label and consider myself in the space between ‘The Straights’ (I feel like that label is going to soon…be replaced by something healthier) and those who belong within the LGBTQIA+ community.
What about if you are a man in the process of building a friendship with a woman, and are worried that you might come across as predatory? Same thing: Have the conversation!
For a boatload of quotes (and some of my thoughts) about friendships, you can dive in here.
PS: What were the difficult questions you needed to bring up in the course of your friendships? Were you able to discuss the kind of boundaries you both needed right from the start?
Drop me a line here or comment below! :)
